Another post, another life...

Wow! After rereading the last entry I realized absolutely everything about our life has changed. Which seems to be a common thing with foster care.

WHAT YOU'VE MISSED:
In court, our former foster son, B (and D) finally are getting a TPR hearing in September (next month). Visitations continue and the birth mother has become a little more sabotaging as far as all of the children are concerned. For example: encouraging bad behavior like fighting, name calling, urinating in public (yes, really), and taking off clothing. Considering B has a history of getting in trouble with school because of these, this was a big deal.

B started having in home intensive counseling. Outpatient counseling wasn't working and his behaviors were becoming more aggressive. IE: making suicidal comments, saying he will kill himself/others. Trying to harm the dog. Putting rubber bands around his neck and twisting. Really scary things. Our poor walls were also getting hit was some hard blows (literally).

Long story short, B is now in therapeutic foster care. After a year and a half with us, and with the possibility of adopting, we had to let him go. I miss him every day but I pray he is doing well. We have good friends going through foster care classes in hopes of adopting him when he's available.


In June, a couple months before B left us, we got a call the night before leaving for the beach for a child who was only needing placement for a week or so. We said yes and took him to the beach with us. He's the most perfect baby. Baby B came to us shortly before his first birthday the size of a 6 month old. He was very malnourished and hadn't had been to the doctor for shots. He had a long history with his parents and DSS as far as removal was concerned. He was born addicted and was lost in the system multiple times. He is still with us and we are being told it's only a matter of time before having to give him back. Out of the 14 kids or so that we've been placed with, none of them have felt more like ours than he has. We love him so much and enjoy every single day we are blessed with him. He will be getting his own blog posting once. He's not feeling well and currently napping so I will leave this blog short and sweet until next time.

The way things go with my blog timings, a lot will probably have changed by next time.But, hopefully for the good!!

The journey continues...

Second blog posting in a single year -- is this a new record for me?

Just another update in the foster world as we approach our second permanency hearing. B is doing really well as of lately. He has started counseling and we are working on getting him some extra help in the classroom to assist with some behaviors. He has gone through a lot of change lately. This entire case is really falling to pieces as we approach court in May.

For starters, B's father who entered back in the picture had some things pop up on his background checks. Unfortunately this has been caught AFTER he's been introduced to B and his siblings. Can't really go back from there. I'm not 100% sure what he's done in his past, but obviously it's nothing the court will like in this situation. Also, he's failed his drug tests both times he's tested and has yet to complete drug rehab.

His mother cooperates but was ultimately given an ultimatum : lose your kids or the guy. She chose the guy, hoping the judge will overlook his past and allow all 5 children back in the home. According to facebook she has now gotten rid of him, but at this point it may be too late.

So that leaves everything up in the air. I think it's safe to say the 4 siblings who are not biologically related will not be able to go back to the home with him in the picture. Maybe ever as this is our second permanency hearing. The future of B will be left up to the judge. She may go ahead and revoke parental rights at this hearing and that'll make B free for adoption.

Basically, nothing will be clear until May. The good thing is, we are approaching summer so any big change will take place during the summer and hopefully give everyone a chance to adjust to their new normal by the start of the new school year.

Obviously, I can't post too many details about the case but that's where we stand as of today. I am taking things day by day and somewhere in between looking forward to May and dreading going. I have many fears but I also have many hopes of things possibly happening for the first time these kids have been in foster care (nearly two years). I think these kids deserve to know what they're facing and stop being stuck in limbo. One way or another, I'm just hoping we get some answers and know which direction these children are facing to allow them a chance to adjust in whatever situation they're going to be facing.

My goal is to blog again in May -- if not before. I have several thoughts I've been meaning to blog about the foster world but I'm saving that sappy post for a rainy day. AKA : When I've got some free time. With a five year old, those free moments don't happen too often!!

Until the next update....the journey continues..
:)

What to Expect When You're Fostering...

We completed our PRIDE training in March of 2017 as a big step into our foster care journey. On June, we were placed with our first respite placement. RESPITE fostering is basically temporarily fostering children needing short-term placement for whatever the reason it is needed. In this case, a foster family was going on vacation for a week and needed a respite family to look after their three foster children.

WHAT WE WERE TOLD BEFORE OUR FIRST PLACEMENT

Before we were placed, they provided us limited details. We were told the reason they would be placed with us. The resource social worker couldn't remember the names of the children but told me it would be a baby, a one year old, and a 7 year old. I didn't know genders. The day before these three children were placed in our care, we were able to get in touch with the foster family who cared for the children. Finally, we were able to get real information about the kids and what to expect. We got to meet the kids that night and thankfully, the foster family was helpful to provide basically everything the kids would need. I was nervous with this placement because this was our first and three kids is a lot, especially for two under the age of one. 

The two eldest were siblings. They were Hispanic and their mother who was the only biological parent in their life was Spanish speaking only, but did have a boyfriend who could speak limited English. We did have to do visitation the weekend we had the kids, so it was interesting interacting with them. I also was introduced into the joys of fixing hair of children of different ethnicities. This was especially difficult for me considering I still haven't figured out how to fix my own hair at the age of 27. I was told the one year old girl would scream when laid down for bed. Thankfully this was not the case. She didn't talk at all, but she had a hefty appetite. She was adorable and became extra clingy to R. 

Her older brother was 7. He was on medication for ADD. I was told he used to have some behavior issues but had calmed down a lot recently. I had zero trouble with him either. He was very intelligent and was so adorable in his glasses. He would pray every night for he, his sister, and baby R to be able return  home to their families. It broke my heart every time. He would call us Mrs. M and Mr. R. Precious. 

The baby was so beautiful. She was no problem at all. She woke up each night every three hours but never cried. I just held her the entire week. I just hugged and kissed on her as often as I could. I got a little insight to her family life. Her mother had no visitations. It sounded like she would not be going home any time soon, if ever. Knowing this, it was a little hard not to fall in love with her. I cried giving her back. It's hard not to judge parents when you see a perfect baby in foster care knowing the parents are doing absolutely nothing to get them back. Especially knowing you would sacrifice anything to be that child's mother. Her bother used medications (probably meth or heroine) while pregnant so baby R's legs would lock up and shake. I would just hold her and pray for her each and every time. I also secretly got super angry at her mother for doing this to this precious baby. I didn't realize how judgmental of a person I was until baby R entered my life.

Anyway, that week flew by and I had to give them back. It was much harder than expected. I see the older too occasionally at the park or at Walmart (perks of a small town). I recently got to snuggle baby R at a foster care Christmas party. I offered to baby sit as much as possible to the foster mom.

My next placement was also a respite case. It was for a 13 year old and a 4 year old boy. They were brothers. Although I worried about taking in a teen (with me being so young), I actually knew their foster parents and went through PRIDE training with them. I knew the kids were great and I didn't think it would be an issue. The foster parents are local pastors and have 5 of these children from the same family. They were going to the beach and had to split the kids up for the week in respite care (not many families are equipped to take in 5 kids, unfortunately). Anyway, I took in the youngest and the eldest. I went to their church that Sunday and took the kids home immediately after. The youngest had blonde hair and blue eyes, and so sweet. He told his foster family, "I love M, she's my favorite." My mind was blown. The first time I met him and he was already so accepting of me. The eldest was very helpful as the youngest had speech issues. He helped translate until we could pick up what he was trying to say. They were both so good together and very well behaved. We had the best time and spoiled them a little bit. After the week was over, we took them back home and told them we would love to baby sit any time for them. 

After July, we had been waiting for a more permanent placement. The resource worker at the time knew we had plans to foster to adopt but we understood as foster parents, the goal is always to return home. We finally got the call one night that there was a newly born little boy who was born to a mother who used drugs while pregnant. The baby was born premature but completely healthy. He was actually about 10 lbs at birth! He had an older sister who was 7. We agreed to take both of them in. I was so excited and so nervous. They basically said she had another son who was already in foster care and was not even attempting to get him back. She wouldn't even go to visitations or make any efforts. They expected the same case and we were planning for a long term foster placement with hopes of adopting. We quickly went to Walmart and got everything we could think of. Outfits for two kids, bath supplies, diapers, car seats, and the works! We got to social services and they placed a sweet bouncing baby boy in my arms and said, "instant family!" I wanted to cry! I was told he had a check up with his pediatrician that morning and the birth mom may show up. We were eventually taken to the next room and met the most precious little girl who was so smart! She played on her tablet and didn't look a bit upset. She was in good spirits and talked to us about her interest and her love of her new brother. She went home with us and since it was late, we got her ready for bed time after spending some time getting to know them and introducing her around the house.

All was going well until I got her to bed and the tears started flowing for her mommy. She was clearly scared and begged not to be alone in the room. After talking with her, she had never had a bed or a room before. She was used to sleeping on the couch with a family members. From the stories she told, it wasn't the best situation. I asked if she wanted to pray and she wasn't sure what that was. I explained it was how we talk to Jesus and again, she was confused about what I was talking about. Again, I was so shocked. We lived in a small town with more churches than stores, right in the bible belt and this little girl had never heard about Jesus. I went from feeling as if I was out of my element and completely unsure as to why I was fostering to finally realizing that maybe this is why I got to where I was at. I was able to tell this little girl about Jesus and lead her into prayer. In the end, she slept on the couch and I held her hand as I sat in the floor of the living room as she went to bed. I completely understand rules placed on foster families as far as restricting laying in beds with foster children. It protects all parties involved. However, it really sucks explaining to kids who cry for you to snuggle them in bed so they can sleep more comfortable that you just can't. So you end up in the floor by the bed, or by the couch... just wishing things could be different.

So obviously word got around that we were placed with a supposed potential adoption case. I had friend and family so excited. The baby never cried and just woke up every two hours, like clock work. His cord had already fallen off by time I changed his first diaper so I had to do a lot of research regarding that. OH! And I had to see my first uncircumcised penis. I had to call my husband in to verify that that wasn't what it was supposed to look like... you know, I was new at this. 

The next morning I loaded my little ones up, and headed to the doctor. It was hard to complete the paperwork but minutes into the appointment, the nurse came in to notify me the birth mom and aunt were there. Awkward. The mother came in and grabbed the baby up, kissing him all over. I sat there and witnessed, unsure what to say. The aunt talked with me and asked how they were. I updated her on our first time and also asked the birth mom some questions on the paperwork I didn't have answers to. They were pleasant, but awkward. The doctor came in and addressed all questions to me. He was clearly annoyed with the birth mother and even gave her the third degree so he could determine what the baby was put at risk and should be monitored for. By the end of the appointment, the aunt spoke up and claimed she had custody of these children, which clearly was untrue. I spoke up and said I was caring for the children as their foster mother. DSS had custody of these children. The aunt said she was going to court to get them back. News to me.

I called the children's social worker as soon as I got home. It took a while to get a response. They basically told me not to worry and said the aunt was deemed unfit. She wanted them but her home was unsafe and it wasn't a possibility. She was the sister of the brother who fathered the brother who was already in foster care and there was a possibility sexual abuse was an issue. I felt a little better but it was strange. I was also told it was okay for their mother to call as long as the call was on speakerphone. 

I took the 7-year-old to a vacation bible school my sister's church was having. She had a blast. My niece was so great with her, taking her under her wing. My niece invited her two friends but always made sure to keep her with her and include her on everything. She has always made sure any child in my care feels like her cousin. She's an amazingly loving little girl. When we left, she was excited to go back the next night for bible school and to continue going to church. I felt so happy that I was able to introduce her to church.

The next morning I got my sleep deprived (hello, newborn at home) self up and gave the little one his first allowed real bath. I took pictures because...that's what moms new for baby's first bath, right? So I got him dressed and all oiled up and down for a nap. I got my girl in the bath when I got a call from DSS. I wasn't able to get to it since I was helping her get out of the bath but I checked the voicemail as soon as I got her clothes to her. It basically said, "Hey, M. This is ---- from DSS. It was determined at court that the aunt did win custody of the kids so please return my call when you get this. Thanks." I just froze and had to look at the phone. Surely I misheard, right? So by now my heart is pumping fast and I go check on the baby and tell the 7-year-old I had to make an important call in the next room while she played. I got ahold of her first attempt (surprise, surprise). She basically said I had two hours to return the children and I could contact the aunt to arrange the switch. I tried to get an explanation. I needed to know how this happened. I wasn't even aware there was a court case happening and this would even be a possibility. The social worker wouldn't answer any questions. I called the aunt and she was so excited. Not to sound selfish or dramatic but I was so angry by her mood. My whole world was falling apart. I was finally going to be a mom. And now I wasn't. I was an almost mom for five days. FIVE. I had a crib and car seats and every baby product possible. I had just gotten all of my friends and families old baby hand-me-down clothes. I hadn't even washed them. The aunt needed everything for a kid so not only did I have to return these children I needed to supply them with everything I had just purchased days ago. I guess I could have been petty and kept them but how would I know the children would have clothes, diapers, and formula? Needless to say, everything went with them. The aunt didn't have room for all of the stuff. I had CASES of diapers and bought everything I could in bulk. She picked the kids up from my house and the biological mother was with her. Which wasn't supposed to be allowed. I had to give these kids and do it with a smile on my face because...I'm supposed to be glad these kids get to be with biological family. Even knowing this sister was in communication with a brother who abused his son. And has violent dogs who has already harmed the  7-year-old. Who only has one bed room and no room for two other children. Who has special needs children at home and smokers in the home. The girl looked at her mother and said, "I went to a place called church. Can we go there sometime?" My heart stopped. I now knew why I was put in this situation to only have it ripped away. I did that. It hurts but I did that. I did something that may or may not make a lasting impression. 

Six months have passed since that day. I see her and the baby at DSS when she has visitations with their mother. I also see their older brother who the case worker forced visitations the same days as the other kids so the mother had to see them all. I hope they're doing well. The social worker says they are. 

I called my boss and friend right after with the goal to tell her I would no longer need the remaining couple of weeks off from work. I would be back to work tomorrow. I attempted to tell her the basics but ended up sobbing on the phone, unable to get the entire story out. She just listened. That was the last time I allowed myself to cry over that particular incident. I just try to remember that I had a purpose in that, and I hope I did my job.

After that happened, it left a bad taste of foster care in my mouth. I felt like I was never informed and I was basically told what I was needed to hear to agree to take in a placement. I didn't feel my best interests was at heart. I was done with foster care. I wasn't strong enough to do it.

A week or two later, my phone rang. I got a call from the resource worker asking if I remembered the teen boy I did respite care for in July. She said he's requesting to live with us as he's upset with his foster family. She said he'd been acting out and always saying to his foster parents, "I want to live with the F-- family." It was going to be for the weekend until a decision could be made with where he would go. We agreed and picked him up that night. We were told it would just be for the weekend, another respite case. When we pulled up to the house, he started bringing all of his belongings. He claimed he would not be returning home. R and I didn't know what to do because he was basically thrown onto us and we weren't in a place to tell him he couldn't stay. R and I discussed that night that we should be his foster parents as we weren't able to take in cases of babies and emotionally handle the heartbreak again. We were familiar with him and thought it felt right for us at the time. We had a heart-to-heart with him and told him we weren't always these fun people he knew. We had to put boundaries in place to keep him safe and he wouldn't always like it. He laughed and said he wouldn't ever be mad at us. Things were pretty great with him. Later that week we found out the foster family would be putting in a notice possibly for all of the kids. The resource worker asked if we would be interested in getting the young boy we kept with him, his blonde haired brother. We agreed almost immediately. I was actually excited to get him. We met his foster parents at my work, where they brought his belongings. You could tell the foster mom, especially was torn up by the decision. It was obviously they cared but wanted the best for him. I knew what that was like. They would be bringing him later that night but wanted to have his things moved first so it wasn't such a shock to him and the kids when they packed him up in front of them. He was dropped off that night and told his siblings, "this is MY foster home. Not yours! You can't come!" We were relived he was taking it in great stride. He was so positive about it and immediately jumped on his bike and started playing with his brother. It was a good move for the teen boy as well. Again, things were good. We had to adjust with taking two boys to the Y and going to work. It was the summer so we had time until school started. One would be going to middle school and one was going to preschool for the first time. We were able to get him into a school in our district and he was put into the class with my niece. We were so excited about that! They became good friends. 

Overtime, he was having trouble adjusting as he was missing his foster mom. He called her "mama" and he wanted her. It was heartbreaking. School started and I got to be there for their first day. I felt so honored but so heartbroken that their mother wasn't there. This was a major milestone and she wasn't there as she should have been. I was a little disappointed by her lack of communication. She didn't check in, ever. I took first day of school pictures and sent to their former foster mom, who always checked in. After much debate, I did the right thing and sent the birth mom pictures from that morning with an update how the first day went. The former foster mom wanted to hear all about B's first day of preschool and I let him call her. They were just as excited as we were to hear he loved school. 

Overtime, things got more difficult. Behavior at school for B was a nightmare. He was violent at home when upset, and he basically yelled how much he didn't want to live here anymore. He wanted to live with his former foster parents again. Visitations were terrible. He would cry all the way home and wouldn't adjust. Again, behavior was terrible at school. Social services did absolutely nothing. Weekly and daily at times I would send updates and pleas for help, to which none came. I requested help or any type of services to be set up. 

The teen was doing well in school but the honeymoon period was ending. He wanted back with his other foster families and I felt like a failure. I wasn't doing anything right and these kids would never love me like I wanted them to. He started having behaviors and being very disrespectful to me. He made threats often about running away and asked to be moved many times. After another argument he packed his bags and we were just so exhausted by talking him into staying with us. We tried every tactic to get him to stay, including fear.  We told him the harsh truth of foster care. We had no clue where he'd go if he left. It could be a group home. He said anything would be better than with us. So we called and put in our notice for him.

A family partnership meeting was called in effort to maintain the placement. To summarize the meeting, they basically called us inadequate and made us feel like crap for putting in the notice. Even though it was his request. They said we should try harder. I'm a very passive person, so I said nothing. What I wanted to say is I was the only person who did try. I asked since the day we got him to get him counseling. I reported every behavior and talked him into staying with us over 20 times. I didn't get  any follow up from DSS until we had it and put in a notice. At the meeting, they offered to set him up with counseling. I'm a social worker myself and am familiar with Medicaid. I questioned how long to get approval and start services. They couldn't answer and basically said it wouldn't happen soon. We told them we couldn't do that and it was determined they would find placement. They again told us, "We have no where for him to go." I had to remind myself that that wasn't my problem.

It was two days pasted the window of when our notice was put in when we got a call from another worker. She was rude and basically said, "Tell me what happened at the meeting. I'm confused." We told her we put in a notice but hadn't heard anything. We told her it had been over the 10 day notice but we weren't in a rush as long as he was placed in a good home and could stay in the same school. She told us that would be impossible and she was moving him immediately and we had no say so in the matter. I had second thoughts as D's behavior was improving but she said we couldn't change our mind once a notice was put in and it was happening. We felt like it was probably best. We got a call later that day they found placement and to bring D's stuff to social services the next day and drop him off at a new school. We were shocked how fast that could happen. I called both schools and confirmed all records had been transferred. We were left to break the news to D. Of course, he didn't handle it well. He said he would get in a fight as soon as he got to the school and would run away. We called the case worker and said he refused to go and they would need to take him. They said they didn't have enough workers to do that so they wouldn't do that. I asked if he would be a bus rider or car rider or who would be picking him up. They wouldn't tell us anything so we had no information to give to D. I just told him to go to the office after school.

After school, the former foster mom called me. Her friend at the new school called her to let her know that no one picked up D. They picked him up and took him home. Social services said they had no place for him to go and would need them to keep him over night. DSS were pretty hateful so they said they would not be doing this. They called us and was very unprofessional. They said "we need you to take him. We will not reimburse you for this, if you don't do this he will have to sleep here at the agency until he can be placed." I felt very strange by the entire situation and decided to call their bluff. I found out later they placed him that night and is with that same foster parent.

B actually adjusted much better than we thought without his brother. He missed him but in the end, he really grew without him. His older brother was no longer there making him feel bad for wanting to love on us like we were his parents. He didn't feel like he couldn't bond with us. 

It's now January of 2018 and we finally have B into case management at his school. His first treatment will be next week. Just remember -- we have been requesting services since JULY for him and it's just now getting set up. He's adjusted well with us now and calls us mommy and daddy bear. It took him 6 months to adjust. There were times we thought we would put in notice because we saw no light at the end of the tunnel. D talks with us now and I feel like he regrets his decision to leave. His situation he is in now isn't ideal but it may be what he needed. He's not being spoiled like he was with us. We talk to him and see him at visitations. He knows he is welcome at our home any time. 

We've developed a close relationship with B's former foster family. They've become our extended family. We go to their church now and help out in the children's ministry. We also keep his siblings often and he goes there for visits.

I wont get into his biological family history. These kids survived so much and their future living arrangements are still to be determined. They've been in foster care well over a year and we go back for a permanency hearing in May. I've been fine this entire time with the knowledge of the possibility of giving B back to his birth mom. His birth now is now in the picture as well. Up until this month, now that he's adjusted, I was okay knowing I could see him and help after he transitions back home. Now it scares me to death the thought of giving him back. It's selfish and probably so mean. But I want him to stay. If given the option in the future, we will adopt B. I'm not sure what will happen in the future...but stay tuned.

Things Infertile Women Hate to Hear...

I was speaking with a friend who is also having fertility issues and we got on the subject of annoying things we HATE to hear from other people. I've been told so many things that most people wouldn't find offensive...those people usually mean well, but it can really be frustrating to hear and witness some things that fertile people often take for granted. So, I have complied a list...keep in mind this is just for fun...of course, if you are guilty of saying or doing these...it's good to keep in mind that there are plenty of people who could really be upset by these.


1. "I'll be your surrogate!"
I feel guilty adding this to the top of the list. Mostly because literally every female I am close to has offered at some point or another to carry a baby for me. It's truly a sweet gesture because I have no doubt those ladies would be willing to do it but there's a few things that prevent me from taking comfort in this kind gesture.

- Even if I were to take these people up on these offers...it's super expensive to get pregnant with a surrogate. You basically have to pay someone to do an IVF treatment, which isn't guaranteed. Not to mention those ladies do not realized they'd have to go to the doctor multiple times a week, mess with their bodies hormones, and travel...they will also need to go though the entire pregnancy, deliver a baby, and go though the heartbreak of signing that child over to me. Surrogacy is a great option for some...it's just not an option for me.

2. "My friend couldn't get pregnant for ten years...now she has TWINS!"
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love hearing these types of stories. I also selfishly get super sad. I am not naive enough to think EVERY infertile couple are able to have children. Just because it happened to one person, does not mean it will happen to you. Adding to that, not all women (and men) have the same issues. Some are more treatable than others...making miracle pregnancies a little more possible.

3. "Be patient...God has a plan for you!"
To be clear, I agree with that statement 100%. I included this in my top annoying list because it is something I struggle with the most. I've mentioned before, I am very impatient.  God is still working with me on that. I KNOW without a doubt that God does have a plan for me. I will say, it makes me worried that those plans do not involve me ever being a mother. I'm still learning to trust God's judgement. Obviously, I really want a baby...I need to trust that God's plans are way better than my own. Because I do not know those plans at this moment, it's difficult to be patient. I know this is the whole reason why trusting God is important in these types of situations. So, until I can correct those impatient flaws of mine, this statement will always be annoying to me"

4. "You can always adopt!"
Yes, I can. And I plan to do so. Two things with this...Even adopting a child, it doesn't take away the pain of knowing you're body has failed you and you're not able to do the one thing you thought bodies were supposed to be able to do. Obviously I would love adopted/biological children the same...but it doesn't make it easy knowing one of your dreams is not an option. And number two...adoption is freaking expensive. It's also very hard. You can't just decide one day to pick out a child online and you instantly become that child's mother. If you want a newborn, you have to pay a ton of money for adoption fees...and go through the entire process of being able to be eligible to adopt. It's way easier (and cheaper) to just naturally have children. It is so sad to say, but it's the truth. There are tons of children who do need homes... but it's so hard and expensive to give them homes. You'll learn in a future post that I am in the process of foster/adopting... there are other options...but to adopt a child from the very beginning of it's life, it's just as difficult as having children naturally when you're dealing with infertility.

5. "When are you going to have a baby?"
I know people mean well. It doesn't help that I am super secretive and private. Not many people know I have been dealing with infertility. I don't even advertise this blog because I don't want anyone who knows me to know. Because of that, I get this question a lot. I usually laugh it off and say, "I don't know" or "Whenever God wants me to..." I try to brush it off and change the subject QUICK before I bust out in tears. Just a heads up for ANYONE reading this...don't ask questions like that... one, it's super personal. I don't care if it's your sister, friend, or a stranger you met at Walmart. You truly have no idea what a person is going though. Just because a person doesn't have children doesn't mean their infertile...but it could mean they aren't interested in having children at all. Either way, it's really no ones business. I will never understand why people put so much pressure on others to have children.


I could keep going but I will leave it at a top 5. I'm interested if anyone else has anything to add to the list. Thinking back, I've probably asked or said a few of these to other people when I was younger. Going through this has given me a complete new outlook on these type of things. It's always good to show a person you care. Sometimes people going through infertility just need a person to vent to...not someone who can offer advice. Personally, the last person I like getting advice from is from people who have a bunch of kids already. To all the fertile-Myrtles of the world, just be kind. Be understanding. Be patient. If a friend or a loved one is going through things and choose to confide in you -- JUST LISTEN. Also, choose your words wisely. You never know how a person is going to take what you say.

**Just a side note to those who have said these to me, I promise you, I don't take it to heart...I know you mean well...I just wanted to send a friendly reminder to those who may not be aware that words hurt. LOVE YOU!**

It's about time for an update...

So, I run a book blog but realized I hadn't posted in over a year...I read a really good book and saw my audience of over 1K was slowing losing interested and decided to blog again. Well, in the process I remembered about this blog and decided I should probably do an update.

My last entry was explaining that the IVF was unsuccessful. Well, there's a ton of things that happened after...here's a  very quick summary of the last couple of years :

1. I decided to do another round of IVF --

No worries for those who would have been interested to read all about it. It never happened. What did happen is after about a year of being super sad after a failed IVF attempt, I decided to make an appointment to use our final embryo that we had stored. The WEEK we were scheduled for the first appointment to start the whole process over again my IVF nurse called to tell me that she was sorry but there was a mistake done by one of the nurses in charge of storage. WHAT?! Yeah, my thoughts exactly. It's something I am still pretty bitter about to this day because it's something you would hear about on TV, nothing that could possibly happen in real life -- or so I thought. They claimed the lady no longer worked with them because it wasn't the first incident this happened...but I stalk their FB page and have noticed her in some recent photos. If only I was one of those people who could speak their mind... Needless to say no IVF = no baby. And no more embryos or chances left for the IVF. They did offer to go through the entire process of IVF with them again. Um, pass.

2. WE MOVED!
Well, not really. We are located the same place but it's a new house. We have always lived in a private lot of all family members. We decided to get a bigger house as we still want to expand our family, however that may happen. We got a modular home. It has three bedrooms, so plenty of room to welcome a child (or three).

3. WE ARE BECOMING FOSTER PARENTS!

Now, this is the most recent update. I've always been interested in adopting/fostering ever since I had a good friend in high school who had some rotten luck in the foster care system. I wanted to foster him but of course, I was only a child myself. Well, 10 years later, I am finally becoming a foster parent. I actually started the process a couple months ago. I finished the PRIDE training and am currently waiting for the home assessment. We are aiming for a child that is 0-3. We may do some respite care for older children as well. Our goal is to foster-to-adopt. Our home assessment is NEXT MONDAY so I have been working hard to get my house together. We will be out of town this weekend for Easter, visiting my family. So, Sunday night should be super fun doing last minute laundry and cleaning in preparation! I know a lot of people are interested in the whole process -- I'll blog more about the process later. If anyone has specific questions, feel free to ask so I can include answers! Since we are planning on being a permanent home, should the need arise, we will probably have to wait slightly longer than the average foster parent for placement. I think we will mostly get placed with children who have a high probability of needing permanency placement (a forever home). We have had some rotten luck over these past several years, so I do worry about the potential heartbreak, but either way...it's something we both felt led to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to hit you all with the highlights of where we are at...I sort of left you hanging with the last post and didn't want you all to think we stopped our journey to parenthood. Definitely not the case with us. We are full speed ahead...

Funny story, when creating the title for this blog I was very particular about naming it.  Early on I knew God had special plans for us. I didn't (and still) have no clue what those plans are, but I know it's a journey of FAITH. I also know it'll be a journey that leads us to "YOU". It may take us a while to understand just who that "YOU" may be...but it'll be a journey I know we will look back and know was worth all of this.

Love and the Outcome...

It's nearly 4AM and under 30 degrees outside. I was laying in my warm, comfortable bed when it got laid on my heart to blog about a song that has been on my mind. And yes, I would have loved to have stayed in bed but, when the Lord tells you to blog about a song...you blog about a song...and don't question who it's for. Ironically, the song and the entire blog for the morning is about trusting God...because he does know what he's doing. It is my hope that this blog finds someone, someday in the right moment. It's for the person who is finding it harder to trust God's judgment, and even harder to find the patience to wait on the outcome. HE does know what he's doing... and if we can stick it out, we will see that there's a reason for all of the hurt, all of the disappointments, and all of the other stuff we had to endure to get to the light at the end of the seemingly never-ending tunnel.

The song is called He is With Us by Love and the Outcome.

Forgive my quick copy-and-paste job, but here are the lyrics (taken from lyrics.com)

Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
We're not afraid

We can trust our God
Always, always
We can trust our God
Always, always

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
Our God is with us


***Now that you've read the lyrics... go YouTube the song. Better yet, buy it from ITUNES or wherever people get their music from these days. Seriously a very powerful song. Now, I don't cry like a normal person--I just get overcome with a great sadness that would be equivalent to how a person feels when they cry, or so I would think. Anyway... this song gets me every time. I feel like this song was written for me. Of course, I'm sure everyone has that one song they feel like that towards but seriously... this song has really spoke to me and made me keep the faith and remember that I need to quit questioning God's plan for me. I imagine wherever I end up, there's going to be a purpose for this entire situation.


Let's be honest, infertility really sucks. I truly hope someday my story will be used as an encouragement to others...if only one person. As much as I want God to use me as an example, I have to be selfish and hope that my story has a happy ending.

As a side note, I've noticed my favorite blogs I read all have the same thing in common--PICTURES. I have noticed even blogs from people with a seemingly dull life have awesome blogs because of the pictures on there. Which has led me to the conclusion that I probably have an extremely lame blog due to lack of pictures. I sure hope whoever decides to read my blog is more of a reader instead of a picture-person. But let's face it, people are picture people. Anyone who has me on Facebook knows I have tons of pictures to share...however, with this story--I have chosen to remain anonymous as much as possible. I do not share this blog with friends and family (not presently, anyway). People who read my blog are ones who stumble upon it by chance. One day, when I feel like it needs to be shared publicly, I'll be more open about pictures and sharing on social networks. For now, it is just between me and...well, technically everyone with internet. Lucky for me, I have a lame blog without pictures so there hasn't been too much attention to it.

Especially this blog posting...who is going to stumble upon this blog and actually read this long of a posting WITHOUT any pictures added?

Well, I was just being obedient and blogging about this--I'm not sure who it is for...or when it's for. For all I know it could be discovered in 10 years by someone right at the right moment. I didn't want to wait until morning.

I'll end this extremely long blog with a reminder to trust God, especially in the tough times. Forget doctors or what other people tell us. Don't think your life is over because things don't go your way. It's not up to us in how our life turns out. God's plans are much bigger than anything we could possibly dream of. So, keep the faith...trust God. It hurts now, but it'll be worth it in the end. :-)

xoxo

Beta Results

Sorry I've been a little MIA on here. I kept telling myself to update the blog, but I've been lacking the motivation to do so. Unfortunately this is not a happy blog post. And as if it's not bad enough typing up a sad blog, my stupid computer deleted the entire blog after I wrote it out...so here goes take two:

My beta was negative. I woke up bright and early to take my blood test and after the dreaded wait, I finally called my clinic for results. The hospital didn't send them over so they tracked them down. My IVF nurse called me back and said unfortunately, the results were negative. She reminded me of the spare embryo we had and said I could schedule an appointment with my doctor if I chose to do so. I plan to make an appointment to see him to figure out what went wrong. I don't want to go threw this again if it's not going to work. My sweet sisters said they'd carry the baby if there is something more wrong with my body. So, I still have options. Not that it makes the loss any easier...

So, obviously this has been really upsetting for me and "R" but I haven't really broke down yet. I really don't cry often but I imagine I'll break a nail or something and just break down completely. I've been avoiding talking about it...I haven't really talked about it at all. I told my sisters and they passed the word around for me.... they keep wanting to talk about it but I don't think they get the hint when I change the subject....I know they're just trying to help though, it's sweet.

As if getting the negative test results wasn't bad enough, I've got the AF from he** to remind me that this didn't work. What I didn't know before starting this is the cycle after a failed IVF is WAY worse. I learned that since the medications make the lining so thick, you have so much extra to shed...I'm going to spare the gory details but, for those of you who may possibly experience a failed IVF (and I hope none of you do...), it's bad...and you're not dying....you just feel like you are.

I haven't taken any time off from work to recover physically/emotionally/mentally...but I didn't really need to. We're really slow and I've been training for something new so I'm really not doing anything anyway.

As a psychology major, I've always self-diagnosed myself and psycho-analyzed everything I do. I've decided I'm still in the denial stage of grief...I haven't fully accepted or allowed myself to really think about it, I've just been numb to the whole thing, avoiding the topic. I'm sure eventually I'll become angry and then can work threw it all but I think for now, I'll just take the numbness and prepare for a breakdown when I least expect it. :-P

So, that's the update for now. It may be a while before I update again...possibly after I see my doctor and talk about the IVF cycle we just did.... so, although this wasn't successful...we're not giving up. Keepin' on Keepin' the faith. It'll happen someday.

POAS Addict && the dreaded 2ww

It is Friday, October 18, 2013.... three days before my beta....and it cannot come soon enough. Honestly, after returning from Florida, I was perfectly content enjoying being PUPO (Pregnant until proven otherwise). I didn't even really consider taking a home pregnancy test, I knew it'd be way too early...since then, however, I've become a POAS addict. For those of you lucky enough to not know all of these terms infertile people use, POAS means Pee on a Stick....ya know, taking a pregnancy test. What all IVFers are told NOT to do before the beta. However, I am not a very patient person, I've never been good at listening, anyway. So.... Wednesday I took my first test. It had the faintest of faint lines. The type of faint where you could only see holding up at a certain angle, from certain amounts of light, from a very short distance. My husband couldn't see it at all...but--it was truly a line, despite what he believed haha. I promise I wasn't imagining things. So, after much convincing from him, I decided to wait a few more days to test...in hopes of getting a darker line...at least a line visible to the both of us. I tested again this morning....and there was absolutely nothing there. I tried everything to force a line there by manipulating the way I held the test, but no luck. Worse mistake ever, now I've turned into a POAS addict. Luckily, there's only three days left to put me out of my misery.

My IVF nurse told me to stay off google, but I can't. I'm getting mixed reviews...everyone saying 10dp3dt (ten days past three day transfer) is way too early to test...but there are plenty of others who have gotten positive. So, I'm freaking out. I honestly feel pregnant. Yes, progesterone and my other medications mimic pregnancy symptoms. But, I just FEEL pregnant...physically, emotionally, and mentally. I guess I just have so much faith, even that negative pregnancy test this morning didn't completely make me give up hope. Of course, I'm a little nervous thinking that it didn't work but I just can't let myself think that far ahead.

So, as for my symptoms for this dreaded two week wait (Just a reminder, I am completely aware that the medications can be the cause of these symptoms-- it's just good to have some sort of reminder that there's possibly a baby or two growing inside of you).

So, like I was saying, the symptoms: I'm somewhat morning sick...ish? I have to eat every few hours or I am really sick! I normally don't eat much, I never have much of an appetite. Since this is a public blog, I wont add too much TMI in case somehow someone I know comes across this site, but... for anyone interested-- My left boob has become sore-- just the left.  Also, I'm having REALLY vivid dreams. I normally don't remember having dreams at night, so that's why I am counting this as a symptom... of course, it could be because I have so much on my mind.

For anyone who is going through this or possibly going to go through-- I'll give you the same advice I was given-- stay busy!! If it wasn't for work, family, and television... I'd be obsessed with google and peeing on things.... well, pregnancy tests at least :-P

So, I've texted my hubby and he's going to pick up a few more test on his way home from work... I plan to take them until two lines appear.... really, my body has no choice but to become pregnant.... I feel like this is a good plan :-)

Tomorrow I have a family get-together.... and Sunday I have the day off thanks to an awesome co-worker who needed extra hours the same time I needed a break. So, I will probably spend all day Sunday anxiously awaiting for my beta the next day and peeing on pregnancy tests until one is positive. I will probably wait to blog after the beta. Depending on how it goes and what I have to do that day, I'll post an update as soon as I can.

Here's to hoping my next post has a more exciting subject... ;-)

3 day transfer

As promised, I am posting to update on my 3dt (three day transfer)! For anyone who has ever gone threw IVF, a lot of people think the full bladder on transfer day is the worse. The cool thing about my doctor is that he has a machine that actually doesn't work well unless you have an empty bladder. I have a very tiny bladder so I wasn't surprised when he made me go pee halfway threw because it was full just after 20 minutes of using the bathroom.

So, after I got undressed below the waist, I was told all three embryos were doing well! After a little lecture about the risk of multiples, I signed with my doctor to allow for two embryos to be transferred. What is so exciting is that the two embryos were very good--8 cells and not much fragmentation at all (all good things when it comes to embryos). Obviously, it isn't a sure bet they will both stick BUT.... it does raise the odds a bit.

My husband and I hold pretty strong feelings on topics such as abortion/selective reduction....that kind of thing. The doctor wanted to know where we stood on this (just in case). He asked, "What will you do if it is multiples...." Hubby spoke up really fast on this one and said..."Then we're raising two!" haha I just busted out laughing, usually I'd give him "the look" for sounding rude but, I would have probably answered about the same if I had time. The doctor learned pretty quickly where we stood on that and we were good to go.

The transfer itself was a little painful, I'm sure the valium made it a lot more comfortable for me though. Once we seen where the embryos were placed, I forgot all about the pain. They double checked to make sure they were in and then I laid back for about 15 minutes. After that, I got up and left...now just taking it easy. I've put myself on bed rest for today...we got the OK to come home tomorrow or Thursday, depending on the weather... I almost want to go ahead and go home to see my puppy and rest up at home where I have family to spoil me for a while until I head back to work on Friday!

I cramp on and off but as of right now, I feel fine...just tired. I'm just doing some hard core praying and hoping for the best! I take the blood test in 12 days to confirm a pregnancy, so I'm so excited for that. I am not sure when I'll post again for an update. I'm an extremely impatient person so I feel like this 2ww (two week wait) is going to be awful on me. I have to resist from taking an EPT. I feel like by day 9 past transfer I'll take one...even though I know I shouldn't. I just know myself too well! Well, I am back to laying down and waiting to take my last progesterone shot....tomorrow starts the "easier" drugs-- aspirin, prenatal, and a couple pills that have to go.... not in my mouth.

So, until next time... :-)

Embryo update

As of 12:30 pm we have three "beautiful embryos" according to my RE. Yesterday we were told out of the four, three fertilized. Today was supposed to be our TWO day transfer. "R" made a joke saying he bets when we get down there he'll want to do it the next day--surprise, surprise-- that's what happened. But, honestly, I think I like the idea of a 3 day transfer over the 2 day, it'll give him more time to see which one(s) are the strongest and most likely to make it. I'm just so relieved they're all still ok. Tomorrow at 11:30pm is the for sure transfer day--we hope!

I had already taken my valium and was prepared emotionally/physically for this...but, that's okay. He prescribed me another one so it's going to be a repeat of tomorrow.
So, I'm so pumped for tomorrow!! I just pray the three embryos make it over night and hold on. I'm really worried because today the doctor seemed to think he was only putting one back in... he told us earlier in this process he'd be willing to do two. I just don't want to go through all of this without a baby in the end. I'm not sure if that makes me selfish or smart? I know the risks for multiples... I'd be completely fine with two and would take all the extra steps to ensure a safe pregnancy/delivery--I was planning on doing that with one baby, anyway.

So, Friday I go back to work--not looking forward to that at all. I hope I remember how to do everything. "R" still has until Monday to go back to work--lucky him! I think we may leave early Thursday morning to give me some time to rest and get back to spend some quality time with my adorable puppy who has been enjoying her time with her grandma...I'd be surprised if she wants to come back home because she's been having so much time playing with her sister and eating homemade chicken, steak, and whatever else my MIL has been spoiling her with. :-)

So, I'll try to update tomorrow, not sure if I'll be on strict bed rest requiring me to lay a certain way or not but once I'm able to sit up and have some free time, I'll update as soon as possible. Tonight, I'm just praying the embryos will be safe and tomorrow goes as well as we hope!

Trigger && Egg Retrieval

There is so much to update on this post. As I write this I have just woke up from a nap to try and recover from the egg retrieval. So, here's what has happened since my last post from Monday's appointment. Wednesday I had another sonogram that showed my biggest follicle at 18mm and about 10 smaller ones around 10mm. So, We left Wednesday night and made it to Florida around 5am Thursday...my appointment wasn't until 830 that morning so I sort of took a nap at the hospital until time to go in.

I had to give more blood and they checked the follicles again... now I was showing 2 follicles measuring 23 and 25mm.... my IVF nurse from back home said he'd want them to be about 20mm before the trigger shot so this was good news for me!! I did a little shopping and ate something and we checked into the hotel. Three hours into sleeping I got the phone call...seemed pretty urgent asking me to get to the hospital because my estrogen level actually DROPPED. Of course I googled the entire trip to the hospital but once I got there she basically said this means I'm ready for triggered--which they assumed would be that night anyway. So, "R" got a lesson in how to inject me...this one went into the butt muscle...which left me feeling bruised until today... Also, they changed my trigger...I had Lupron but they changed it to HCG. I was so worried I'd have to buy that new one and wasted money on the Lupron....luckily they let me change...I gave them my Lupron, they gave me the donated HCG they had--so this worked out well!

At 10:30pm Thursday night I triggered. Saturday (today) at 9:30 was my scheduled Egg retrieval. I had to get there by 9am to get prepped... Once I got there I had to change into the hospital gown, the very stylish hair net and put the little sock booties over my socks. I laid down in the procedure room and the anesthesiologist gave me a run down on what he was going to do. I got the IV put in my hand (thankfully, giving my arms a rest--I am already starting to look like a junkie with both arm veins blown from so many times of giving blood). I also got the little heart sticky things on, oxygen and probably some other stuff I just can't fully remember at the moment.

The worse part about this was probably whatever they shot in me to numb my hand... that really stung... but I didn't feel the IV go in. So, The doctor came in and my Florida IVF nurse and we just talked and he asked if I had questions. Then they told me I'd be getting sleepy drugs.... I was really worried about being put to sleep because I've never had to do it before. Before I went in I kept telling my husband I was worried I wouldn't go to sleep and they'd think I was asleep. The last thing I remember is one of the doctors saying, "your arm is going to hurt but that's just the medicine going in." I really wanted to say "yeah, I feel it" but I was too sleepy to say anything... I said a little prayer and thought I had just went to sleep.

I woke up to my IVF nurse and she said I talked in my sleep and said that I told them, "by the way, I'm still awake!" so they pushed more medicine. I don't remember that at all so I'm not sure if I was really sleeping or awake talking...either way, the medicine must have done the trick.

While I was in the procedure, "R" did his thing and he said it was so awkward... he said the nurse put in a "special movie" in and he was a little freaked out haha... he said he turned the TV off but was grossed out by touching the remote. He said he just wanted to get it done with and get out of that room haha.

When I woke up, I got dressed and was talking and everything was fine. I was freezing from the medicine and a little tired and sore but nothing too bad.

After we left the hospital I got my list of new drugs and was told he was doing a 2-day transfer. I'm scheduled to go back Monday at noon...I'm really not sure how I feel about that. Also, I was told they only got four eggs...I'm so worried about that but I have faith we will get at least one to fertilize, if  not all four--praying hard they make it! My husband was told by the doctor they got 8 eggs... and the nurse said 4...so, I'm not sure what happened to the other 4. Like I've said before, I don't really have a lot of trust in the doctor. All trust in God, though.

So, I went to Krystal burger and ate...been drinking lots of Gatorade. I was told when I woke up I'd feel like I had been kicked in the stomach by a horse...I was prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for is the extreme pain...I am having trouble breathing...I can't laugh...it hurts so bad to pee and walk...it's just so much pain right now. If my laptop wasn't right beside of me, I probably wouldn't be blogging right now....it even hurts to sit up in bed.

At 8 I'll take progesterone.... at 11 I'll take the second pill of the doxycycline. Ryan is finished with the antibiotics, now it's my turn. Earlier today I took the aspirin, prenatal vitamin, and a couple of other pills. I'll take these all until transfer day on Monday, then will get a new calendar of medications to take throughout at least the 2ww. I dread the 2 week wait, I'm the most impatient person in the world. I think my biggest issue will be avoiding taking a pregnancy test, but I know if I do it'll lead to disappointment or false hope. I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow, we planned on going to St. Augustine and the beach...yesterday we went to the zoo and did some more shopping.

We will hear back tomorrow how my eggs are doing and how they fertilized so, praying for good news!! I'll either blog tomorrow or the next day. :-)

A light at the end of the IVF tunnel

So, we are officially leaving Wednesday night to go to Florida. I have about 12 follicles ranging in the 8-14mm range. Only one 14 mm.... several 10 and 12 mm and a few 8mm that need to catch up. I'm still taking the 3 bravelle to 1 menopur. Gannirellix SUCKS. It burns so bad....I end up with a terrible red patch for a few hours after the injection. Also, the needle is really dull so I actually have to push it in and sort of wiggle it around to get it to go in. It's pretty awful.

I'm not even half-way packed up to leave tomorrow. Haven't made the final reservations for the hotel reservations and there's so much to do! I have my last ultrasound here in the morning, coming home to sleep (hopefully) then leaving around 7pm. I am hoping to get my school work done and all of the packing finished in time to go. I'm so excited but it's just such a stressful trip to plan out last minute. My doctor can't even tell me how long I'll be down there. I am praying my work will cooperate with me missing some more days and I just hope we can find a hotel for the extra days we need to stay.

When I first created this blog the name "our journey to you" was taken...I had to add in "faithful" and I'm so glad I did...this truly is a journey of faith. I think a lot of the time people put their faith in the wrong people or things.... we have our faith placed in God alone. We can't trust our doctors... we are just praying and faithfully believing that God is looking out for us...we know he has as seen in the miracles that's been coming our way since we started this entire process nearly 4 years ago... and we continue to see all of the amazing things happening every single day.

So, I will try to update after my Thursday morning appointment in Florida...I sort of dread seeing the doctor, he's usually pretty rude and not very helpful...however, I am getting closer to becoming a momma which is so exciting. We've got a long of major decisions to make as far as storing extra embryos and how many embryos to transfer back... this is a really overwhelming process but we are almost finished....we are finally seeing a light at the end of the long IVF tunnel.

Little breakdowns and venting moment

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I do not cry...or even really show that I'm upset...well, at least in front of other people. I'm really the type of person who sucks it up and just deals with situations because most of the time getting mad or crying isn't really solving anything. Well, today that was not me...and I totally blame the medications for messing up my hormones and causing my meltdown.

I guess I should start off by saying I'm NOT in Florida. I SHOULD be in the car on the way but my doctor appointment didn't go as well as we had planned...

So, as thankful as I am to the clinic and my doctor for working with me to get me "knocked up" I've just had about enough after today. So, the clinic doesn't communicate AT ALL with me...seriously, they really suck on communicating. Example? Everyone on all these IVF forums post their E2 levels and follicle sizes.... well, I've never once been told any of this information. In a previous post I mentioned follicles...that's because while the nurse was writing in the charts I was looking at the screens and what she was writing. I would ask her questions but she told me basic answers that didn't answer my questions. I asked how many and what size and she literally just said "I can't really see the left too good, you should have a couple on that side too" Then I asked size..."it looks like a little under 10 mm"

I'm new to IVF so I wasn't really sure what I'm supposed to know or not. Reading the other stories of women I see on YouTube going threw IVF it just seems like they're so much more informed.

So today my doctor flew in from Florida to do my sonogram and go over that with me. He looks at me after first seeing the follicles I had and said, "you're progressing slow...why?" Seriously? like it's MY fault. I just said, "umm...I don't know?" So frustrating. Finally he looks and reads out the sizes to the nurse--doesn't acknowledge me at all. On my right side I have a few measure between 10-12 mm. Of course, I'm not sure if this is good or not. My left side had one at 10 mm and a couple that were 7 and 8. I peeked on my chart and seen my E2 was really low. Which, doesn't seem to be a good sign. So, my doctor upped my dosage. I will be adding an extra vial of briovelle every night. Sunday I will start ganirellix.

Oh yeah, to top things off-- when I was first brought back to the room to change for the ultrasound my nurse said to go back to the waiting room because the doctor had to step away for about 20 mins.... when I got back, I was stripping down and after like 10 seconds (before I was fully covered) the doctor and nurse just swing the door wide open and I had to make a dash for the table and get covered--so awkward!!

Ok, now here's the bad news. After the sonogram the doctor says for me to come back Monday to have another look and get more blood. I question him and say, "I'll be in Florida...we leave tonight" Then he gets really rude and says "Why?! That's way too early, you're not progressing enough to go now...you wont be ready until closer to Wednesday"

Ok, I completely understand that cycles are unpredictable and I understand that it needs to be pushed... but it's frustrating that he expected us to know that...and acted like it was no big deal for us to rearrange and be able to push this later. Keep in mind that me and R both had to get our leave of absence approved 2 weeks ahead of time and now I'm not sure if they'll give me the extra five days. Also, we had to cancel our hotel reservation--luckily, we were able to get a full refund. I also had to order more medicine... which was about $600. I counted my meds tonight when I gave myself my shot and I realized I'll need some more briovelle so It'll be another $200 when I call this weekend to have it shipped by Monday.

My nurse TEXTED me today to find out what my dosage is now...she forgot. Just thought I'd add that in there. As far as how I'm feeling, I'm really sick to my stomach...not sure if it's because I'm stressed or medicine related. I'm not really achy in my ovaries...I do feel a little bloated though (finally). It burned when I mixed the extra vial tonight I am curious if it is because I didn't add more water to it--I wasn't told to do so. I just feel like the doctor is only out for the money and doesn't really care about his patients. He probably doesn't even know my name unless he looks at a chart....no one seems to want to talk to me about this process AT ALL. It's just so upsetting that we're pouring all of this money into a situation handled by people we can't trust.

So, in the car ride home there were like 4 billboards featuring cute babies and it seemed like the radio only wanted to play songs related to kids/parents. So, I lost it. I'm just so tired. My entire fertility struggle I hardly ever cried or just had a break down. Sure, there were times when the pregnancy tests would come back negative when I swore I felt pregnant and I shed a tear or two, but I really don't cry. Today, I just let myself cry because it's the only other way I cou
ld think of handling this situation. I'm extremely friendly so of course at the doctors I thank them for everything they do and never confront them--I know I should...but that's just not the type of person I am. I'm way too nice and a bit of a pushover at times. So, now I'm still upset but at least now we are hopefully on track to leave around Wednesday. He said Monday we'd know for sure...I just hope I don't ovulate before then... because I can't fully trust my doctors judgment since this is the first day he's seen me since I've taken medication. The only time he's ever checked me out is during my HSG in which he just said "you passed the test"

So, until Monday I probably wont have anything new to report...just on a higher dosage and introducing the new shot starting Sunday morning. Tomorrow or tonight I'll have to contact my workplace to see about extending my LOA...praying that all works out. So, anyway, this is my breakdown/venting post. Every blog dealing with IVF/infertility is allowed at least ONE venting post :-) Hopefully my next post will be a much happier one.

Wednesday appointment

So, I've got to be completely honest---I'm getting a little worried about this IVF cycle. This is probably due to me using google way more than I should. Today I had another sonogram....and blood work...like I'll be doing every other day until time for Florida. So, today looked just about how it looked Monday. I just have a couple follicles on each side measure just under 10 mm. I'm no IVF expert but I feel like I should be noticing some change either physically or at least on the sonograms. I still haven't needed the ganirellix to slow things down...which is surprising. My nurse was even questioning to double check that I was still taking my shots--I still am...haven't missed a single one. I figured they would up my dosage but I heard back a few hours ago and I am still sticking with my low dosage. As someone in my early 20's I assumed I'd have so many follicles...which is why I didn't question my low dosage....but now since it's obvious I'm not progressing as much as I should.... I'm wondering what my doctor has in mind with this cycle. I know I need to trust him but at this point I'm becoming a little discouraged.

I'm about to take my shot in a couple of hours, other then this update...really, nothing has changed. I have my last appointment in VA on Friday.... they said they were going to trigger but I'm really not sure my body will be ready by then.... if things are progressing slow still, there's no way I'll have any follicles ready for retrieval.

I missed work yesterday because my sister had her baby!! Baby Ally was born yesterday around 1:32 PM!! She's so cute. My nephew looks just like his daddy and my sister desperately wanted a baby who looked like her--she got her wish. She has dark hair like mommy and so, so sweet!! I was such a baby hog yesterday...I believe I got to hold her more than my sister did haha.

So, Friday I will be getting another sonogram and giving some more blood. I feel like my right vein will be ruined after this entire process...that seems to be the only one anyone uses for whatever reason. It's become knotted up and really hard... which isn't a good sign. I believe they are trying to save the left for the actual procedure but I feel like they could be creative in getting blood in other ways.... just my opinion though.

So, As much as I dread going back to work tomorrow, I'm very excited that After that I will be on my way to Florida. I can't decide if I should back tonight or tomorrow.... I work all day tomorrow so really I'll have no time. I'll be getting on after 1AM and will be up around 5AM for my doctor appointment...then that evening we'll be leaving to Florida. So, I'll really need to get a nap in after my appointment leaving really only tonight and tomorrow morning to pack up. Well, I'll be posting again possibly Friday when I arrive in Florida or if I have time before we leave.

Another appointment, Another shot, Another update....

Now that we are officially leaving for Florida for the IVF THIS WEEK, I'll be blogging a lot more often. Now that there is actually exciting things happening in my life. So, up until this week, it was basically a waiting game.... the only thing I was on was birth control and just had to do a lot of lab work and last minute testing to make sure genetically and physically I am good to go to be pregnant. So, today I had another ultrasound and got some blood drawn. Shots this week on my own have been going surprisingly well...and so far "R" has remembered to take his pill twice a day--so far!! haha.

So, the ultrasound showed I'm right on schedule and the meds are working. I got to see a couple follicles on each side when she checked out both ovaries. I've gotta say, I have absolutely no idea how people can read those ultrasound pictures... it really  just like a television screen with awful reception... some how she managed to find everything and she pointed to things I pretended to see what she saw....all I know is that I'm right on track. So, I have to bring my ganirelix shot (just in case).... since my blood and ultrasound looked ok, they decided I didn't need to take that shot right now...but I'll be bringing it Wednesday to my next appointment. Also, they did not have to change my dosage today...so, still taking the same mixture and dosage every night at 8.

This is almost off-topic but I've got to add this part of my day since it has really been bugging me. Anyone who knows me knows I'm extremely early for EVERYTHING. Well, not today. I could have swore my appointment was at 8:30. I normally beat my nurse to every appointment and was thrown off when she was there waiting for me. I just thought she was early that morning. I get home and discover my appointment was at 8...not 8:30 so I feel awful for being 20 minutes late. My next appointment I will probably have to give her the full explanation--she actually never mentioned me being late but it's one of those things that will bug me if I don't tell her about the mix-up.

My nurse in VA and FL are both awesome. I've got to say, my only complaint is today blood getting taken hurt pretty bad--which is really unusual for me. I take pain pretty well... as long as I don't see the needle, I usually don't even feel anything. My nurse has shaky hands...I sort of thought it would be a bit more painful but oh my goodness, it was rough. I'm pretty sure they're not going to be able to use that vein on Wednesday....I just hope she doesn't mess up both veins because I will be needing a good one again on Friday and all the next week leading up to IVF!!

And on that note, I will end this blog with an update on my younger sister.... who is being induced the same day I will be leaving--this Friday. I spent the day with her and my sister trying all these different methods to induce labor. Not to make this all about me....but I need that baby out before I go to FL. I want to at least hold her once before I leave....it's a good possibility she has her before Friday...she said she's been feeling pressure and she's all the way down so she's ready to come....I just really hope little girl cooperates for her favorite aunt. :-)

And, I will probably be updating again after my appointment on Wednesday. I have SO much to do this week between school, work, and leaving for Florida....somehow I will manage to get a blog post in there some where :-)

First Shot!!

Today I had to take off work because of a doctor appointment. Today's appointment consisted of paying $1,500 to finalize the IVF cycle and I also had a sonogram to check for cyst (none found on either ovary). Also, I learned how to give myself shots. On top of that, I gave myself my first shot. Now, I don't normally mind shots or giving blood-- as long as I don't have to watch. So, I was very nervous giving myself the first shot. After the training, she offered to give me my shot but I told her if I didn't do it then with her watching...I'd never do it on my own. So, I sucked it up and after just a few (or 20) seconds of talking myself into it-- I just stuck the needle in and it actually wasn't as bad as I thought. It wasn't so painful where it took my breath away...it was a little sore though.

So, anyone who has actually gone threw IVF or familiar with the medications...the two I did today with the Bravelle and Menopur. Just for those who aren't familiar with these...basically they both come in a box... a vial of powder...a vial of the liquid solution. So, my dosage is two of the bravelle powders and one of the menupurs. I basically just took some of the solution (1/2 cc) and shot it into one of the powders, sucked it up....dumped into another powder....sucked it up....mixed in the last one... brought it all back in the syringe and changed the needle to a smaller one.... then shot it into my stomach... a little below my belly button. I see on youtube everyone standing up and doing it.... my  nurse told me to just sit and do it...not sure if that makes a difference but it really wasn't so bad and I felt more in control that way.

So, I will be doing the shots on my own every night on my own sometime around 8pm. I work until 1am every night so, I'll keep the stuff in my office to do it on breaks. Hubby also has to take doxycycline twice a day--starting today. He has terrible memory so I have to remind myself and him to take our meds when we need to. Now that we have the dates set in stone, I will be making the arrangements for our suite in Florida. I'll enjoy going to the beach for over a week but I'm not sure how much sight seeing I'll be able to do.

My little sister is being induced on the 27th of this month....the same night we leave. That's also my last sonogram appointment to make sure I'm good to go for egg retrieval before we head to Florida. Hubby's birthday is on the 28th. Since we leave the night of the 27th, I'm going to stay at the hospital until time to leave in hopes of seeing my new niece before time to go.

Next appointments are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of next week. Until then, it's just shots a night for me, and the antibiotics for "R." If there are any noticeable changes, I'll try to blog about it...so far I haven't felt any side effects from the shots...my nurse mentioned by next week I may feel a little pain from the follicles but it shouldn't be too bad--we'll see. :-)

Until next time...xoxo

Medications and HSG

Today you're getting a two-in-one blog! Today I had my HSG. For those of you who don't know what that is....well, to spare you all the personal details.... they basically injected dye into me to see if there were any blockages in my tubes. Apparently my tubes look perfect. Other than some terrible cramping, I'm good to go-- I have to work tonight so, not looking fun to that.

My medication also came in this week! This was such a long process. So, my doctor ordered my prescriptions from a pharmacy. My insurance company sent me a letter telling me I could get three approved from their pharmacy. So, I split the order.... after at least 20 calls to each pharmacy, they finally got it figured out (minus the one my doctor forgot to prescribe...that will be arriving soon).

Now, let's talk about what everyone is most curious about when discussing IVF....costs. Like I mentioned earlier in my blog, the procedure is completely free for me. However, medications and other costs are what I am responsible for. So, just to summarize what I've spent JUST this WEEK.... About $3,000 in the fertility medications (seriously....). The HSG was covered by my insurance and still costs $300. Each appointment I go to will be $40 for my copay. I estimate at least 25 appointments with just this doctor. Anesthesia will be about $400. And the ICSI is $1,000.


Now, let's talk about other costs-- storage fees for the spare embryos..... that will be $1,500 plus a couple hundred every year. Also, if I need assisted hatching or anything extra, this will also be out of pocket. Of course, we wont know what will be needed until the actual day of IFV.

Some really exciting news we learned today is our IVF dates! We will arrive in Florida on September 28th (which also happens to be "R's" birthday). We will be coming home October 6th. This is a lot longer than we originally thought so we are both in the process of working out something with both of our workplaces. Hopefully I am eligible for a medical leave of absence.

My next appointment will be September 19th. From here, I'll learn how to mix my medicines and do the injections myself--something I am completely freaked out by. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain but I'm only ok with shots and giving blood if I DON'T look. Not sure how this is going to work. Of course, I know it'll be worth it in the end.

These past couple have weeks have been insane, and very expensive (and slightly painful). However, it's still really exciting and it's so strange to think within the next month or so I could be making appointments to check in on our little IVF baby. I'll post again after my appointment...or before, if anything exciting happens. :-)

--Chele

IVF consultation?

So, today was the long awaited day-- my first visit with my IVF doctor. I was really expecting this huge process, at least 2 hours worth of test and questions. This didn't happen. So, I'm not even sure what I just did was really considered a consultation. Basically, he reviewed mine and "R's" medical history. Then, he gave us a run-down on a time frame and asked if we'd like to do the IVF in September. This actually worked out perfect for me because the soonest I'd even be able to be considered a day off from work would be Aug.30.  Anyway, he went ahead and put me on B.C. and scheduled me for another appointment the end of next moth--bright and early in the morning so I wouldn't miss work. The doctor is over an hour away so, it'll be an early morning. In the meantime, he said he is ordering my medication from a pharmacy, and gave me some background info on that... Apparently I'll be contacted by that pharmacy with an estimate for the cost of it all. At the next appointment, in August, I have to bring in what is shipped to me so he can show me how to do injections and give me a calendar telling me how and when to take which which medications. I'll have to get back to you on the price we end up paying for the medications-- luckily, my insurance will cover some of it. Today, he gave us the price of ICSI--assuming we need to do this ($1,500). The storage fees of my leftover embryos that cannot be implanted will also be $1,500...then a few hundred a year after that. SO worth paying the storage fees since I do plan on using the extras.... and I will NOT be destroying them...I know people have their own opinions on this and judge those who do IVF... Personally, I am pro-life and the embryos--frozen, implanted, or any other version are my babies... not something I plan to destroy. ANYWAY,I will also need to pay for my own anesthesia for when they do the egg retrieval. This isn't required-- as some people have a terrible, sometimes life threatening reaction to it. I've never had to be put to sleep and although it scares me, it is something I WILL be paying for and using... I hear it's quite the painful experience without it.

Random daily occurrence: The birth of the royal baby BOY was announced while I was waiting to be seen by the doctor. Talk about strange timing, right?

I wish I could share more about what happened, but seriously, it seems like this blog took longer to type than the time I was actually seen by the doctor. Apparently there's not much to really do until the medicine comes in. This is probably because me and "R" have already done so many test and are both currently seen by a doctor who sent over our information... the doctor didn't really need to test us to find out what was wrong since we already knew. However, he did mention we'd both be tested again next visit. Maybe that one will be longer than this one. I guess that is all I really needed to update today-- my next post will be the end of next month, unless something exciting happens before then. :-)

Baby Psychics

I have always been extremely impatient. In one of the online TTC baby groups I am in, they were talking about getting a fertility reading. A fertility psychic usually predicts the month you will conceive/give birth/find out you're expecting. Now, as a Christian, I have very strong opinions about what I involve myself with. Until this point, I don't play any games or do anything that could be considered witch craft. And of course, some people will have ugly comments to say if they heard that I spoke to a fertility psychic, and that's ok. BUT, I should point out that the only reason I did it is because I was curious...it was done strictly for entertainment purposes only. Also, the lady is not a devil worshiper or anything like that. It's just something for fun, nothing like evil or anything like that. To get to the point, I'll just copy and paste exactly what she says. Keep in mind, this is what SHE typed, so there are some spelling and grammatical errors. 

"Thanks for being patient with me while I got back to your reading. They are showing me a GIRL and JULY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in

They are showing a girl who looks alot like you as a baby. They are showing the same lips and eyes, her hair being darker, and just head covering. I am given  the impression that shes going to be in the 8lb range at birth and just seems like shes always content to do "whatever". They are showing her sitting up, appears to be around the age of 8 months, is playing with her toys and I am seeing a kids show on the tv (more about background noise, but she does watchbits/pieces of it). They are showing her quite comfortable if you leave the room for a minute to go and put the laundry away.. shes okay if you go and make dinner.. other times will come crawling after you not because she demands to be picked up, but because she is curious as to what your doing

Shes always happy. IT just seems like shes always smiling and never seems to fuss. You will find that its  more about interaction with her and does not mind whatever you guys are doing. She has these beautiful eyes that clearly display the emotion shes feeling. Although as she gets older shes more about holding it in a bit more and not wanting kids to see how she feels if she is feeling hurt. You will find that she has a tough outer shell and yet is sensitive on the inside (which you seem to be able to see/sense more than anyone).

Shes going to enjoy playing with friends but prefers more even balanced relationships. Avoids people who are too demanding and never seem to want to give anything in return.

When ti comes to career paths, they are showing her working in an administrative type position. This seems to be more of the front runner to the company as well.

When ti comes to marriage I am seeing her closer to 26. They will have two girls and one boy of their own"

Not to brag or anything (lies) but, doesn't my kid sound awesome? It's strange, but I sort of miss the idea of her and wish she were here even more. So, now I'm even more impatient (if that's possible). Let me be clear, though. I really don't care about gender or what month she/he will get here. I don't pray asking for a little girl who never fusses. I just pray for a healthy baby, when God says it's the right time.

FUN FACT: Two other psychics have predicted in the past that I will conceive early fall. I go for IVF next month and will probably start the process early fall. All of this lines up with a July birthday baby. How exciting is that? If anything, it will keep me positive through the whole process. I'll post again after my IVF consultation at the end of July--if not before then. :-)

A "bump" in the road...

So, there's we've come across a slight bump in the process... unfortunately it's not the type of bump normally associated with babies. These past couple of weeks I have been losing sleep over how excited I am for my appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I have watched every single IVF vlog on youtube, read every site with information, and filled out countless stacks of medical history papers. I am all prepped and ready to go. "R" took the weekend off, we even skipped our beach trip we planned this weekend and is missing a wedding because of the appointment.

Long story short, I receive a phone call from the doctor's office. I am so happy to answer, thinking it's a simple reminder about my appointment. So, she informs me they have to reschedule my appointment for the last week in July. She acted like there was absolutely no big deal about this switch up. Well, this is a huge disappointment to me. By July, I was expecting to be expecting... now I have to go threw the entire process again. "R" will have to take off work...AGAIN. It has just been a huge bump in our whole plans. Anyway, I was expecting my next update to be tomorrow about my appointment. However, I guess it will be until July before I update this blog.

However, God will see us through, like always. Who knows, I could get a call tomorrow saying they can fit me in...stranger things have happened. You know, like the free round of IVF...:-O


Sorry for the sad update, however...things happen for a reason. I trust God is doing what is best for us, no worries. :-)