Little breakdowns and venting moment

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I do not cry...or even really show that I'm upset...well, at least in front of other people. I'm really the type of person who sucks it up and just deals with situations because most of the time getting mad or crying isn't really solving anything. Well, today that was not me...and I totally blame the medications for messing up my hormones and causing my meltdown.

I guess I should start off by saying I'm NOT in Florida. I SHOULD be in the car on the way but my doctor appointment didn't go as well as we had planned...

So, as thankful as I am to the clinic and my doctor for working with me to get me "knocked up" I've just had about enough after today. So, the clinic doesn't communicate AT ALL with me...seriously, they really suck on communicating. Example? Everyone on all these IVF forums post their E2 levels and follicle sizes.... well, I've never once been told any of this information. In a previous post I mentioned follicles...that's because while the nurse was writing in the charts I was looking at the screens and what she was writing. I would ask her questions but she told me basic answers that didn't answer my questions. I asked how many and what size and she literally just said "I can't really see the left too good, you should have a couple on that side too" Then I asked size..."it looks like a little under 10 mm"

I'm new to IVF so I wasn't really sure what I'm supposed to know or not. Reading the other stories of women I see on YouTube going threw IVF it just seems like they're so much more informed.

So today my doctor flew in from Florida to do my sonogram and go over that with me. He looks at me after first seeing the follicles I had and said, "you're progressing slow...why?" Seriously? like it's MY fault. I just said, "umm...I don't know?" So frustrating. Finally he looks and reads out the sizes to the nurse--doesn't acknowledge me at all. On my right side I have a few measure between 10-12 mm. Of course, I'm not sure if this is good or not. My left side had one at 10 mm and a couple that were 7 and 8. I peeked on my chart and seen my E2 was really low. Which, doesn't seem to be a good sign. So, my doctor upped my dosage. I will be adding an extra vial of briovelle every night. Sunday I will start ganirellix.

Oh yeah, to top things off-- when I was first brought back to the room to change for the ultrasound my nurse said to go back to the waiting room because the doctor had to step away for about 20 mins.... when I got back, I was stripping down and after like 10 seconds (before I was fully covered) the doctor and nurse just swing the door wide open and I had to make a dash for the table and get covered--so awkward!!

Ok, now here's the bad news. After the sonogram the doctor says for me to come back Monday to have another look and get more blood. I question him and say, "I'll be in Florida...we leave tonight" Then he gets really rude and says "Why?! That's way too early, you're not progressing enough to go now...you wont be ready until closer to Wednesday"

Ok, I completely understand that cycles are unpredictable and I understand that it needs to be pushed... but it's frustrating that he expected us to know that...and acted like it was no big deal for us to rearrange and be able to push this later. Keep in mind that me and R both had to get our leave of absence approved 2 weeks ahead of time and now I'm not sure if they'll give me the extra five days. Also, we had to cancel our hotel reservation--luckily, we were able to get a full refund. I also had to order more medicine... which was about $600. I counted my meds tonight when I gave myself my shot and I realized I'll need some more briovelle so It'll be another $200 when I call this weekend to have it shipped by Monday.

My nurse TEXTED me today to find out what my dosage is now...she forgot. Just thought I'd add that in there. As far as how I'm feeling, I'm really sick to my stomach...not sure if it's because I'm stressed or medicine related. I'm not really achy in my ovaries...I do feel a little bloated though (finally). It burned when I mixed the extra vial tonight I am curious if it is because I didn't add more water to it--I wasn't told to do so. I just feel like the doctor is only out for the money and doesn't really care about his patients. He probably doesn't even know my name unless he looks at a chart....no one seems to want to talk to me about this process AT ALL. It's just so upsetting that we're pouring all of this money into a situation handled by people we can't trust.

So, in the car ride home there were like 4 billboards featuring cute babies and it seemed like the radio only wanted to play songs related to kids/parents. So, I lost it. I'm just so tired. My entire fertility struggle I hardly ever cried or just had a break down. Sure, there were times when the pregnancy tests would come back negative when I swore I felt pregnant and I shed a tear or two, but I really don't cry. Today, I just let myself cry because it's the only other way I cou
ld think of handling this situation. I'm extremely friendly so of course at the doctors I thank them for everything they do and never confront them--I know I should...but that's just not the type of person I am. I'm way too nice and a bit of a pushover at times. So, now I'm still upset but at least now we are hopefully on track to leave around Wednesday. He said Monday we'd know for sure...I just hope I don't ovulate before then... because I can't fully trust my doctors judgment since this is the first day he's seen me since I've taken medication. The only time he's ever checked me out is during my HSG in which he just said "you passed the test"

So, until Monday I probably wont have anything new to report...just on a higher dosage and introducing the new shot starting Sunday morning. Tomorrow or tonight I'll have to contact my workplace to see about extending my LOA...praying that all works out. So, anyway, this is my breakdown/venting post. Every blog dealing with IVF/infertility is allowed at least ONE venting post :-) Hopefully my next post will be a much happier one.

Wednesday appointment

So, I've got to be completely honest---I'm getting a little worried about this IVF cycle. This is probably due to me using google way more than I should. Today I had another sonogram....and blood work...like I'll be doing every other day until time for Florida. So, today looked just about how it looked Monday. I just have a couple follicles on each side measure just under 10 mm. I'm no IVF expert but I feel like I should be noticing some change either physically or at least on the sonograms. I still haven't needed the ganirellix to slow things down...which is surprising. My nurse was even questioning to double check that I was still taking my shots--I still am...haven't missed a single one. I figured they would up my dosage but I heard back a few hours ago and I am still sticking with my low dosage. As someone in my early 20's I assumed I'd have so many follicles...which is why I didn't question my low dosage....but now since it's obvious I'm not progressing as much as I should.... I'm wondering what my doctor has in mind with this cycle. I know I need to trust him but at this point I'm becoming a little discouraged.

I'm about to take my shot in a couple of hours, other then this update...really, nothing has changed. I have my last appointment in VA on Friday.... they said they were going to trigger but I'm really not sure my body will be ready by then.... if things are progressing slow still, there's no way I'll have any follicles ready for retrieval.

I missed work yesterday because my sister had her baby!! Baby Ally was born yesterday around 1:32 PM!! She's so cute. My nephew looks just like his daddy and my sister desperately wanted a baby who looked like her--she got her wish. She has dark hair like mommy and so, so sweet!! I was such a baby hog yesterday...I believe I got to hold her more than my sister did haha.

So, Friday I will be getting another sonogram and giving some more blood. I feel like my right vein will be ruined after this entire process...that seems to be the only one anyone uses for whatever reason. It's become knotted up and really hard... which isn't a good sign. I believe they are trying to save the left for the actual procedure but I feel like they could be creative in getting blood in other ways.... just my opinion though.

So, As much as I dread going back to work tomorrow, I'm very excited that After that I will be on my way to Florida. I can't decide if I should back tonight or tomorrow.... I work all day tomorrow so really I'll have no time. I'll be getting on after 1AM and will be up around 5AM for my doctor appointment...then that evening we'll be leaving to Florida. So, I'll really need to get a nap in after my appointment leaving really only tonight and tomorrow morning to pack up. Well, I'll be posting again possibly Friday when I arrive in Florida or if I have time before we leave.

Another appointment, Another shot, Another update....

Now that we are officially leaving for Florida for the IVF THIS WEEK, I'll be blogging a lot more often. Now that there is actually exciting things happening in my life. So, up until this week, it was basically a waiting game.... the only thing I was on was birth control and just had to do a lot of lab work and last minute testing to make sure genetically and physically I am good to go to be pregnant. So, today I had another ultrasound and got some blood drawn. Shots this week on my own have been going surprisingly well...and so far "R" has remembered to take his pill twice a day--so far!! haha.

So, the ultrasound showed I'm right on schedule and the meds are working. I got to see a couple follicles on each side when she checked out both ovaries. I've gotta say, I have absolutely no idea how people can read those ultrasound pictures... it really  just like a television screen with awful reception... some how she managed to find everything and she pointed to things I pretended to see what she saw....all I know is that I'm right on track. So, I have to bring my ganirelix shot (just in case).... since my blood and ultrasound looked ok, they decided I didn't need to take that shot right now...but I'll be bringing it Wednesday to my next appointment. Also, they did not have to change my dosage today...so, still taking the same mixture and dosage every night at 8.

This is almost off-topic but I've got to add this part of my day since it has really been bugging me. Anyone who knows me knows I'm extremely early for EVERYTHING. Well, not today. I could have swore my appointment was at 8:30. I normally beat my nurse to every appointment and was thrown off when she was there waiting for me. I just thought she was early that morning. I get home and discover my appointment was at 8...not 8:30 so I feel awful for being 20 minutes late. My next appointment I will probably have to give her the full explanation--she actually never mentioned me being late but it's one of those things that will bug me if I don't tell her about the mix-up.

My nurse in VA and FL are both awesome. I've got to say, my only complaint is today blood getting taken hurt pretty bad--which is really unusual for me. I take pain pretty well... as long as I don't see the needle, I usually don't even feel anything. My nurse has shaky hands...I sort of thought it would be a bit more painful but oh my goodness, it was rough. I'm pretty sure they're not going to be able to use that vein on Wednesday....I just hope she doesn't mess up both veins because I will be needing a good one again on Friday and all the next week leading up to IVF!!

And on that note, I will end this blog with an update on my younger sister.... who is being induced the same day I will be leaving--this Friday. I spent the day with her and my sister trying all these different methods to induce labor. Not to make this all about me....but I need that baby out before I go to FL. I want to at least hold her once before I leave....it's a good possibility she has her before Friday...she said she's been feeling pressure and she's all the way down so she's ready to come....I just really hope little girl cooperates for her favorite aunt. :-)

And, I will probably be updating again after my appointment on Wednesday. I have SO much to do this week between school, work, and leaving for Florida....somehow I will manage to get a blog post in there some where :-)

First Shot!!

Today I had to take off work because of a doctor appointment. Today's appointment consisted of paying $1,500 to finalize the IVF cycle and I also had a sonogram to check for cyst (none found on either ovary). Also, I learned how to give myself shots. On top of that, I gave myself my first shot. Now, I don't normally mind shots or giving blood-- as long as I don't have to watch. So, I was very nervous giving myself the first shot. After the training, she offered to give me my shot but I told her if I didn't do it then with her watching...I'd never do it on my own. So, I sucked it up and after just a few (or 20) seconds of talking myself into it-- I just stuck the needle in and it actually wasn't as bad as I thought. It wasn't so painful where it took my breath away...it was a little sore though.

So, anyone who has actually gone threw IVF or familiar with the medications...the two I did today with the Bravelle and Menopur. Just for those who aren't familiar with these...basically they both come in a box... a vial of powder...a vial of the liquid solution. So, my dosage is two of the bravelle powders and one of the menupurs. I basically just took some of the solution (1/2 cc) and shot it into one of the powders, sucked it up....dumped into another powder....sucked it up....mixed in the last one... brought it all back in the syringe and changed the needle to a smaller one.... then shot it into my stomach... a little below my belly button. I see on youtube everyone standing up and doing it.... my  nurse told me to just sit and do it...not sure if that makes a difference but it really wasn't so bad and I felt more in control that way.

So, I will be doing the shots on my own every night on my own sometime around 8pm. I work until 1am every night so, I'll keep the stuff in my office to do it on breaks. Hubby also has to take doxycycline twice a day--starting today. He has terrible memory so I have to remind myself and him to take our meds when we need to. Now that we have the dates set in stone, I will be making the arrangements for our suite in Florida. I'll enjoy going to the beach for over a week but I'm not sure how much sight seeing I'll be able to do.

My little sister is being induced on the 27th of this month....the same night we leave. That's also my last sonogram appointment to make sure I'm good to go for egg retrieval before we head to Florida. Hubby's birthday is on the 28th. Since we leave the night of the 27th, I'm going to stay at the hospital until time to leave in hopes of seeing my new niece before time to go.

Next appointments are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of next week. Until then, it's just shots a night for me, and the antibiotics for "R." If there are any noticeable changes, I'll try to blog about it...so far I haven't felt any side effects from the shots...my nurse mentioned by next week I may feel a little pain from the follicles but it shouldn't be too bad--we'll see. :-)

Until next time...xoxo

Medications and HSG

Today you're getting a two-in-one blog! Today I had my HSG. For those of you who don't know what that is....well, to spare you all the personal details.... they basically injected dye into me to see if there were any blockages in my tubes. Apparently my tubes look perfect. Other than some terrible cramping, I'm good to go-- I have to work tonight so, not looking fun to that.

My medication also came in this week! This was such a long process. So, my doctor ordered my prescriptions from a pharmacy. My insurance company sent me a letter telling me I could get three approved from their pharmacy. So, I split the order.... after at least 20 calls to each pharmacy, they finally got it figured out (minus the one my doctor forgot to prescribe...that will be arriving soon).

Now, let's talk about what everyone is most curious about when discussing IVF....costs. Like I mentioned earlier in my blog, the procedure is completely free for me. However, medications and other costs are what I am responsible for. So, just to summarize what I've spent JUST this WEEK.... About $3,000 in the fertility medications (seriously....). The HSG was covered by my insurance and still costs $300. Each appointment I go to will be $40 for my copay. I estimate at least 25 appointments with just this doctor. Anesthesia will be about $400. And the ICSI is $1,000.


Now, let's talk about other costs-- storage fees for the spare embryos..... that will be $1,500 plus a couple hundred every year. Also, if I need assisted hatching or anything extra, this will also be out of pocket. Of course, we wont know what will be needed until the actual day of IFV.

Some really exciting news we learned today is our IVF dates! We will arrive in Florida on September 28th (which also happens to be "R's" birthday). We will be coming home October 6th. This is a lot longer than we originally thought so we are both in the process of working out something with both of our workplaces. Hopefully I am eligible for a medical leave of absence.

My next appointment will be September 19th. From here, I'll learn how to mix my medicines and do the injections myself--something I am completely freaked out by. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain but I'm only ok with shots and giving blood if I DON'T look. Not sure how this is going to work. Of course, I know it'll be worth it in the end.

These past couple have weeks have been insane, and very expensive (and slightly painful). However, it's still really exciting and it's so strange to think within the next month or so I could be making appointments to check in on our little IVF baby. I'll post again after my appointment...or before, if anything exciting happens. :-)

--Chele

IVF consultation?

So, today was the long awaited day-- my first visit with my IVF doctor. I was really expecting this huge process, at least 2 hours worth of test and questions. This didn't happen. So, I'm not even sure what I just did was really considered a consultation. Basically, he reviewed mine and "R's" medical history. Then, he gave us a run-down on a time frame and asked if we'd like to do the IVF in September. This actually worked out perfect for me because the soonest I'd even be able to be considered a day off from work would be Aug.30.  Anyway, he went ahead and put me on B.C. and scheduled me for another appointment the end of next moth--bright and early in the morning so I wouldn't miss work. The doctor is over an hour away so, it'll be an early morning. In the meantime, he said he is ordering my medication from a pharmacy, and gave me some background info on that... Apparently I'll be contacted by that pharmacy with an estimate for the cost of it all. At the next appointment, in August, I have to bring in what is shipped to me so he can show me how to do injections and give me a calendar telling me how and when to take which which medications. I'll have to get back to you on the price we end up paying for the medications-- luckily, my insurance will cover some of it. Today, he gave us the price of ICSI--assuming we need to do this ($1,500). The storage fees of my leftover embryos that cannot be implanted will also be $1,500...then a few hundred a year after that. SO worth paying the storage fees since I do plan on using the extras.... and I will NOT be destroying them...I know people have their own opinions on this and judge those who do IVF... Personally, I am pro-life and the embryos--frozen, implanted, or any other version are my babies... not something I plan to destroy. ANYWAY,I will also need to pay for my own anesthesia for when they do the egg retrieval. This isn't required-- as some people have a terrible, sometimes life threatening reaction to it. I've never had to be put to sleep and although it scares me, it is something I WILL be paying for and using... I hear it's quite the painful experience without it.

Random daily occurrence: The birth of the royal baby BOY was announced while I was waiting to be seen by the doctor. Talk about strange timing, right?

I wish I could share more about what happened, but seriously, it seems like this blog took longer to type than the time I was actually seen by the doctor. Apparently there's not much to really do until the medicine comes in. This is probably because me and "R" have already done so many test and are both currently seen by a doctor who sent over our information... the doctor didn't really need to test us to find out what was wrong since we already knew. However, he did mention we'd both be tested again next visit. Maybe that one will be longer than this one. I guess that is all I really needed to update today-- my next post will be the end of next month, unless something exciting happens before then. :-)

Baby Psychics

I have always been extremely impatient. In one of the online TTC baby groups I am in, they were talking about getting a fertility reading. A fertility psychic usually predicts the month you will conceive/give birth/find out you're expecting. Now, as a Christian, I have very strong opinions about what I involve myself with. Until this point, I don't play any games or do anything that could be considered witch craft. And of course, some people will have ugly comments to say if they heard that I spoke to a fertility psychic, and that's ok. BUT, I should point out that the only reason I did it is because I was curious...it was done strictly for entertainment purposes only. Also, the lady is not a devil worshiper or anything like that. It's just something for fun, nothing like evil or anything like that. To get to the point, I'll just copy and paste exactly what she says. Keep in mind, this is what SHE typed, so there are some spelling and grammatical errors. 

"Thanks for being patient with me while I got back to your reading. They are showing me a GIRL and JULY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in

They are showing a girl who looks alot like you as a baby. They are showing the same lips and eyes, her hair being darker, and just head covering. I am given  the impression that shes going to be in the 8lb range at birth and just seems like shes always content to do "whatever". They are showing her sitting up, appears to be around the age of 8 months, is playing with her toys and I am seeing a kids show on the tv (more about background noise, but she does watchbits/pieces of it). They are showing her quite comfortable if you leave the room for a minute to go and put the laundry away.. shes okay if you go and make dinner.. other times will come crawling after you not because she demands to be picked up, but because she is curious as to what your doing

Shes always happy. IT just seems like shes always smiling and never seems to fuss. You will find that its  more about interaction with her and does not mind whatever you guys are doing. She has these beautiful eyes that clearly display the emotion shes feeling. Although as she gets older shes more about holding it in a bit more and not wanting kids to see how she feels if she is feeling hurt. You will find that she has a tough outer shell and yet is sensitive on the inside (which you seem to be able to see/sense more than anyone).

Shes going to enjoy playing with friends but prefers more even balanced relationships. Avoids people who are too demanding and never seem to want to give anything in return.

When ti comes to career paths, they are showing her working in an administrative type position. This seems to be more of the front runner to the company as well.

When ti comes to marriage I am seeing her closer to 26. They will have two girls and one boy of their own"

Not to brag or anything (lies) but, doesn't my kid sound awesome? It's strange, but I sort of miss the idea of her and wish she were here even more. So, now I'm even more impatient (if that's possible). Let me be clear, though. I really don't care about gender or what month she/he will get here. I don't pray asking for a little girl who never fusses. I just pray for a healthy baby, when God says it's the right time.

FUN FACT: Two other psychics have predicted in the past that I will conceive early fall. I go for IVF next month and will probably start the process early fall. All of this lines up with a July birthday baby. How exciting is that? If anything, it will keep me positive through the whole process. I'll post again after my IVF consultation at the end of July--if not before then. :-)