I was speaking with a friend who is also having fertility issues and we got on the subject of annoying things we HATE to hear from other people. I've been told so many things that most people wouldn't find offensive...those people usually mean well, but it can really be frustrating to hear and witness some things that fertile people often take for granted. So, I have complied a list...keep in mind this is just for fun...of course, if you are guilty of saying or doing these...it's good to keep in mind that there are plenty of people who could really be upset by these.
1. "I'll be your surrogate!"
I feel guilty adding this to the top of the list. Mostly because literally every female I am close to has offered at some point or another to carry a baby for me. It's truly a sweet gesture because I have no doubt those ladies would be willing to do it but there's a few things that prevent me from taking comfort in this kind gesture.
- Even if I were to take these people up on these offers...it's super expensive to get pregnant with a surrogate. You basically have to pay someone to do an IVF treatment, which isn't guaranteed. Not to mention those ladies do not realized they'd have to go to the doctor multiple times a week, mess with their bodies hormones, and travel...they will also need to go though the entire pregnancy, deliver a baby, and go though the heartbreak of signing that child over to me. Surrogacy is a great option for some...it's just not an option for me.
2. "My friend couldn't get pregnant for ten years...now she has TWINS!"
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love hearing these types of stories. I also selfishly get super sad. I am not naive enough to think EVERY infertile couple are able to have children. Just because it happened to one person, does not mean it will happen to you. Adding to that, not all women (and men) have the same issues. Some are more treatable than others...making miracle pregnancies a little more possible.
3. "Be patient...God has a plan for you!"
To be clear, I agree with that statement 100%. I included this in my top annoying list because it is something I struggle with the most. I've mentioned before, I am very impatient. God is still working with me on that. I KNOW without a doubt that God does have a plan for me. I will say, it makes me worried that those plans do not involve me ever being a mother. I'm still learning to trust God's judgement. Obviously, I really want a baby...I need to trust that God's plans are way better than my own. Because I do not know those plans at this moment, it's difficult to be patient. I know this is the whole reason why trusting God is important in these types of situations. So, until I can correct those impatient flaws of mine, this statement will always be annoying to me"
4. "You can always adopt!"
Yes, I can. And I plan to do so. Two things with this...Even adopting a child, it doesn't take away the pain of knowing you're body has failed you and you're not able to do the one thing you thought bodies were supposed to be able to do. Obviously I would love adopted/biological children the same...but it doesn't make it easy knowing one of your dreams is not an option. And number two...adoption is freaking expensive. It's also very hard. You can't just decide one day to pick out a child online and you instantly become that child's mother. If you want a newborn, you have to pay a ton of money for adoption fees...and go through the entire process of being able to be eligible to adopt. It's way easier (and cheaper) to just naturally have children. It is so sad to say, but it's the truth. There are tons of children who do need homes... but it's so hard and expensive to give them homes. You'll learn in a future post that I am in the process of foster/adopting... there are other options...but to adopt a child from the very beginning of it's life, it's just as difficult as having children naturally when you're dealing with infertility.
5. "When are you going to have a baby?"
I know people mean well. It doesn't help that I am super secretive and private. Not many people know I have been dealing with infertility. I don't even advertise this blog because I don't want anyone who knows me to know. Because of that, I get this question a lot. I usually laugh it off and say, "I don't know" or "Whenever God wants me to..." I try to brush it off and change the subject QUICK before I bust out in tears. Just a heads up for ANYONE reading this...don't ask questions like that... one, it's super personal. I don't care if it's your sister, friend, or a stranger you met at Walmart. You truly have no idea what a person is going though. Just because a person doesn't have children doesn't mean their infertile...but it could mean they aren't interested in having children at all. Either way, it's really no ones business. I will never understand why people put so much pressure on others to have children.
I could keep going but I will leave it at a top 5. I'm interested if anyone else has anything to add to the list. Thinking back, I've probably asked or said a few of these to other people when I was younger. Going through this has given me a complete new outlook on these type of things. It's always good to show a person you care. Sometimes people going through infertility just need a person to vent to...not someone who can offer advice. Personally, the last person I like getting advice from is from people who have a bunch of kids already. To all the fertile-Myrtles of the world, just be kind. Be understanding. Be patient. If a friend or a loved one is going through things and choose to confide in you -- JUST LISTEN. Also, choose your words wisely. You never know how a person is going to take what you say.
**Just a side note to those who have said these to me, I promise you, I don't take it to heart...I know you mean well...I just wanted to send a friendly reminder to those who may not be aware that words hurt. LOVE YOU!**
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