Little breakdowns and venting moment

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I do not cry...or even really show that I'm upset...well, at least in front of other people. I'm really the type of person who sucks it up and just deals with situations because most of the time getting mad or crying isn't really solving anything. Well, today that was not me...and I totally blame the medications for messing up my hormones and causing my meltdown.

I guess I should start off by saying I'm NOT in Florida. I SHOULD be in the car on the way but my doctor appointment didn't go as well as we had planned...

So, as thankful as I am to the clinic and my doctor for working with me to get me "knocked up" I've just had about enough after today. So, the clinic doesn't communicate AT ALL with me...seriously, they really suck on communicating. Example? Everyone on all these IVF forums post their E2 levels and follicle sizes.... well, I've never once been told any of this information. In a previous post I mentioned follicles...that's because while the nurse was writing in the charts I was looking at the screens and what she was writing. I would ask her questions but she told me basic answers that didn't answer my questions. I asked how many and what size and she literally just said "I can't really see the left too good, you should have a couple on that side too" Then I asked size..."it looks like a little under 10 mm"

I'm new to IVF so I wasn't really sure what I'm supposed to know or not. Reading the other stories of women I see on YouTube going threw IVF it just seems like they're so much more informed.

So today my doctor flew in from Florida to do my sonogram and go over that with me. He looks at me after first seeing the follicles I had and said, "you're progressing slow...why?" Seriously? like it's MY fault. I just said, "umm...I don't know?" So frustrating. Finally he looks and reads out the sizes to the nurse--doesn't acknowledge me at all. On my right side I have a few measure between 10-12 mm. Of course, I'm not sure if this is good or not. My left side had one at 10 mm and a couple that were 7 and 8. I peeked on my chart and seen my E2 was really low. Which, doesn't seem to be a good sign. So, my doctor upped my dosage. I will be adding an extra vial of briovelle every night. Sunday I will start ganirellix.

Oh yeah, to top things off-- when I was first brought back to the room to change for the ultrasound my nurse said to go back to the waiting room because the doctor had to step away for about 20 mins.... when I got back, I was stripping down and after like 10 seconds (before I was fully covered) the doctor and nurse just swing the door wide open and I had to make a dash for the table and get covered--so awkward!!

Ok, now here's the bad news. After the sonogram the doctor says for me to come back Monday to have another look and get more blood. I question him and say, "I'll be in Florida...we leave tonight" Then he gets really rude and says "Why?! That's way too early, you're not progressing enough to go now...you wont be ready until closer to Wednesday"

Ok, I completely understand that cycles are unpredictable and I understand that it needs to be pushed... but it's frustrating that he expected us to know that...and acted like it was no big deal for us to rearrange and be able to push this later. Keep in mind that me and R both had to get our leave of absence approved 2 weeks ahead of time and now I'm not sure if they'll give me the extra five days. Also, we had to cancel our hotel reservation--luckily, we were able to get a full refund. I also had to order more medicine... which was about $600. I counted my meds tonight when I gave myself my shot and I realized I'll need some more briovelle so It'll be another $200 when I call this weekend to have it shipped by Monday.

My nurse TEXTED me today to find out what my dosage is now...she forgot. Just thought I'd add that in there. As far as how I'm feeling, I'm really sick to my stomach...not sure if it's because I'm stressed or medicine related. I'm not really achy in my ovaries...I do feel a little bloated though (finally). It burned when I mixed the extra vial tonight I am curious if it is because I didn't add more water to it--I wasn't told to do so. I just feel like the doctor is only out for the money and doesn't really care about his patients. He probably doesn't even know my name unless he looks at a chart....no one seems to want to talk to me about this process AT ALL. It's just so upsetting that we're pouring all of this money into a situation handled by people we can't trust.

So, in the car ride home there were like 4 billboards featuring cute babies and it seemed like the radio only wanted to play songs related to kids/parents. So, I lost it. I'm just so tired. My entire fertility struggle I hardly ever cried or just had a break down. Sure, there were times when the pregnancy tests would come back negative when I swore I felt pregnant and I shed a tear or two, but I really don't cry. Today, I just let myself cry because it's the only other way I cou
ld think of handling this situation. I'm extremely friendly so of course at the doctors I thank them for everything they do and never confront them--I know I should...but that's just not the type of person I am. I'm way too nice and a bit of a pushover at times. So, now I'm still upset but at least now we are hopefully on track to leave around Wednesday. He said Monday we'd know for sure...I just hope I don't ovulate before then... because I can't fully trust my doctors judgment since this is the first day he's seen me since I've taken medication. The only time he's ever checked me out is during my HSG in which he just said "you passed the test"

So, until Monday I probably wont have anything new to report...just on a higher dosage and introducing the new shot starting Sunday morning. Tomorrow or tonight I'll have to contact my workplace to see about extending my LOA...praying that all works out. So, anyway, this is my breakdown/venting post. Every blog dealing with IVF/infertility is allowed at least ONE venting post :-) Hopefully my next post will be a much happier one.

Wednesday appointment

So, I've got to be completely honest---I'm getting a little worried about this IVF cycle. This is probably due to me using google way more than I should. Today I had another sonogram....and blood work...like I'll be doing every other day until time for Florida. So, today looked just about how it looked Monday. I just have a couple follicles on each side measure just under 10 mm. I'm no IVF expert but I feel like I should be noticing some change either physically or at least on the sonograms. I still haven't needed the ganirellix to slow things down...which is surprising. My nurse was even questioning to double check that I was still taking my shots--I still am...haven't missed a single one. I figured they would up my dosage but I heard back a few hours ago and I am still sticking with my low dosage. As someone in my early 20's I assumed I'd have so many follicles...which is why I didn't question my low dosage....but now since it's obvious I'm not progressing as much as I should.... I'm wondering what my doctor has in mind with this cycle. I know I need to trust him but at this point I'm becoming a little discouraged.

I'm about to take my shot in a couple of hours, other then this update...really, nothing has changed. I have my last appointment in VA on Friday.... they said they were going to trigger but I'm really not sure my body will be ready by then.... if things are progressing slow still, there's no way I'll have any follicles ready for retrieval.

I missed work yesterday because my sister had her baby!! Baby Ally was born yesterday around 1:32 PM!! She's so cute. My nephew looks just like his daddy and my sister desperately wanted a baby who looked like her--she got her wish. She has dark hair like mommy and so, so sweet!! I was such a baby hog yesterday...I believe I got to hold her more than my sister did haha.

So, Friday I will be getting another sonogram and giving some more blood. I feel like my right vein will be ruined after this entire process...that seems to be the only one anyone uses for whatever reason. It's become knotted up and really hard... which isn't a good sign. I believe they are trying to save the left for the actual procedure but I feel like they could be creative in getting blood in other ways.... just my opinion though.

So, As much as I dread going back to work tomorrow, I'm very excited that After that I will be on my way to Florida. I can't decide if I should back tonight or tomorrow.... I work all day tomorrow so really I'll have no time. I'll be getting on after 1AM and will be up around 5AM for my doctor appointment...then that evening we'll be leaving to Florida. So, I'll really need to get a nap in after my appointment leaving really only tonight and tomorrow morning to pack up. Well, I'll be posting again possibly Friday when I arrive in Florida or if I have time before we leave.

Another appointment, Another shot, Another update....

Now that we are officially leaving for Florida for the IVF THIS WEEK, I'll be blogging a lot more often. Now that there is actually exciting things happening in my life. So, up until this week, it was basically a waiting game.... the only thing I was on was birth control and just had to do a lot of lab work and last minute testing to make sure genetically and physically I am good to go to be pregnant. So, today I had another ultrasound and got some blood drawn. Shots this week on my own have been going surprisingly well...and so far "R" has remembered to take his pill twice a day--so far!! haha.

So, the ultrasound showed I'm right on schedule and the meds are working. I got to see a couple follicles on each side when she checked out both ovaries. I've gotta say, I have absolutely no idea how people can read those ultrasound pictures... it really  just like a television screen with awful reception... some how she managed to find everything and she pointed to things I pretended to see what she saw....all I know is that I'm right on track. So, I have to bring my ganirelix shot (just in case).... since my blood and ultrasound looked ok, they decided I didn't need to take that shot right now...but I'll be bringing it Wednesday to my next appointment. Also, they did not have to change my dosage today...so, still taking the same mixture and dosage every night at 8.

This is almost off-topic but I've got to add this part of my day since it has really been bugging me. Anyone who knows me knows I'm extremely early for EVERYTHING. Well, not today. I could have swore my appointment was at 8:30. I normally beat my nurse to every appointment and was thrown off when she was there waiting for me. I just thought she was early that morning. I get home and discover my appointment was at 8...not 8:30 so I feel awful for being 20 minutes late. My next appointment I will probably have to give her the full explanation--she actually never mentioned me being late but it's one of those things that will bug me if I don't tell her about the mix-up.

My nurse in VA and FL are both awesome. I've got to say, my only complaint is today blood getting taken hurt pretty bad--which is really unusual for me. I take pain pretty well... as long as I don't see the needle, I usually don't even feel anything. My nurse has shaky hands...I sort of thought it would be a bit more painful but oh my goodness, it was rough. I'm pretty sure they're not going to be able to use that vein on Wednesday....I just hope she doesn't mess up both veins because I will be needing a good one again on Friday and all the next week leading up to IVF!!

And on that note, I will end this blog with an update on my younger sister.... who is being induced the same day I will be leaving--this Friday. I spent the day with her and my sister trying all these different methods to induce labor. Not to make this all about me....but I need that baby out before I go to FL. I want to at least hold her once before I leave....it's a good possibility she has her before Friday...she said she's been feeling pressure and she's all the way down so she's ready to come....I just really hope little girl cooperates for her favorite aunt. :-)

And, I will probably be updating again after my appointment on Wednesday. I have SO much to do this week between school, work, and leaving for Florida....somehow I will manage to get a blog post in there some where :-)

First Shot!!

Today I had to take off work because of a doctor appointment. Today's appointment consisted of paying $1,500 to finalize the IVF cycle and I also had a sonogram to check for cyst (none found on either ovary). Also, I learned how to give myself shots. On top of that, I gave myself my first shot. Now, I don't normally mind shots or giving blood-- as long as I don't have to watch. So, I was very nervous giving myself the first shot. After the training, she offered to give me my shot but I told her if I didn't do it then with her watching...I'd never do it on my own. So, I sucked it up and after just a few (or 20) seconds of talking myself into it-- I just stuck the needle in and it actually wasn't as bad as I thought. It wasn't so painful where it took my breath away...it was a little sore though.

So, anyone who has actually gone threw IVF or familiar with the medications...the two I did today with the Bravelle and Menopur. Just for those who aren't familiar with these...basically they both come in a box... a vial of powder...a vial of the liquid solution. So, my dosage is two of the bravelle powders and one of the menupurs. I basically just took some of the solution (1/2 cc) and shot it into one of the powders, sucked it up....dumped into another powder....sucked it up....mixed in the last one... brought it all back in the syringe and changed the needle to a smaller one.... then shot it into my stomach... a little below my belly button. I see on youtube everyone standing up and doing it.... my  nurse told me to just sit and do it...not sure if that makes a difference but it really wasn't so bad and I felt more in control that way.

So, I will be doing the shots on my own every night on my own sometime around 8pm. I work until 1am every night so, I'll keep the stuff in my office to do it on breaks. Hubby also has to take doxycycline twice a day--starting today. He has terrible memory so I have to remind myself and him to take our meds when we need to. Now that we have the dates set in stone, I will be making the arrangements for our suite in Florida. I'll enjoy going to the beach for over a week but I'm not sure how much sight seeing I'll be able to do.

My little sister is being induced on the 27th of this month....the same night we leave. That's also my last sonogram appointment to make sure I'm good to go for egg retrieval before we head to Florida. Hubby's birthday is on the 28th. Since we leave the night of the 27th, I'm going to stay at the hospital until time to leave in hopes of seeing my new niece before time to go.

Next appointments are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of next week. Until then, it's just shots a night for me, and the antibiotics for "R." If there are any noticeable changes, I'll try to blog about it...so far I haven't felt any side effects from the shots...my nurse mentioned by next week I may feel a little pain from the follicles but it shouldn't be too bad--we'll see. :-)

Until next time...xoxo