Anyone who knows me at all knows that I do not cry...or even really show that I'm upset...well, at least in front of other people. I'm really the type of person who sucks it up and just deals with situations because most of the time getting mad or crying isn't really solving anything. Well, today that was not me...and I totally blame the medications for messing up my hormones and causing my meltdown.
I guess I should start off by saying I'm NOT in Florida. I SHOULD be in the car on the way but my doctor appointment didn't go as well as we had planned...
So, as thankful as I am to the clinic and my doctor for working with me to get me "knocked up" I've just had about enough after today. So, the clinic doesn't communicate AT ALL with me...seriously, they really suck on communicating. Example? Everyone on all these IVF forums post their E2 levels and follicle sizes.... well, I've never once been told any of this information. In a previous post I mentioned follicles...that's because while the nurse was writing in the charts I was looking at the screens and what she was writing. I would ask her questions but she told me basic answers that didn't answer my questions. I asked how many and what size and she literally just said "I can't really see the left too good, you should have a couple on that side too" Then I asked size..."it looks like a little under 10 mm"
I'm new to IVF so I wasn't really sure what I'm supposed to know or not. Reading the other stories of women I see on YouTube going threw IVF it just seems like they're so much more informed.
So today my doctor flew in from Florida to do my sonogram and go over that with me. He looks at me after first seeing the follicles I had and said, "you're progressing slow...why?" Seriously? like it's MY fault. I just said, "umm...I don't know?" So frustrating. Finally he looks and reads out the sizes to the nurse--doesn't acknowledge me at all. On my right side I have a few measure between 10-12 mm. Of course, I'm not sure if this is good or not. My left side had one at 10 mm and a couple that were 7 and 8. I peeked on my chart and seen my E2 was really low. Which, doesn't seem to be a good sign. So, my doctor upped my dosage. I will be adding an extra vial of briovelle every night. Sunday I will start ganirellix.
Oh yeah, to top things off-- when I was first brought back to the room to change for the ultrasound my nurse said to go back to the waiting room because the doctor had to step away for about 20 mins.... when I got back, I was stripping down and after like 10 seconds (before I was fully covered) the doctor and nurse just swing the door wide open and I had to make a dash for the table and get covered--so awkward!!
Ok, now here's the bad news. After the sonogram the doctor says for me to come back Monday to have another look and get more blood. I question him and say, "I'll be in Florida...we leave tonight" Then he gets really rude and says "Why?! That's way too early, you're not progressing enough to go now...you wont be ready until closer to Wednesday"
Ok, I completely understand that cycles are unpredictable and I understand that it needs to be pushed... but it's frustrating that he expected us to know that...and acted like it was no big deal for us to rearrange and be able to push this later. Keep in mind that me and R both had to get our leave of absence approved 2 weeks ahead of time and now I'm not sure if they'll give me the extra five days. Also, we had to cancel our hotel reservation--luckily, we were able to get a full refund. I also had to order more medicine... which was about $600. I counted my meds tonight when I gave myself my shot and I realized I'll need some more briovelle so It'll be another $200 when I call this weekend to have it shipped by Monday.
My nurse TEXTED me today to find out what my dosage is now...she forgot. Just thought I'd add that in there. As far as how I'm feeling, I'm really sick to my stomach...not sure if it's because I'm stressed or medicine related. I'm not really achy in my ovaries...I do feel a little bloated though (finally). It burned when I mixed the extra vial tonight I am curious if it is because I didn't add more water to it--I wasn't told to do so. I just feel like the doctor is only out for the money and doesn't really care about his patients. He probably doesn't even know my name unless he looks at a chart....no one seems to want to talk to me about this process AT ALL. It's just so upsetting that we're pouring all of this money into a situation handled by people we can't trust.
So, in the car ride home there were like 4 billboards featuring cute babies and it seemed like the radio only wanted to play songs related to kids/parents. So, I lost it. I'm just so tired. My entire fertility struggle I hardly ever cried or just had a break down. Sure, there were times when the pregnancy tests would come back negative when I swore I felt pregnant and I shed a tear or two, but I really don't cry. Today, I just let myself cry because it's the only other way I cou
ld think of handling this situation. I'm extremely friendly so of course at the doctors I thank them for everything they do and never confront them--I know I should...but that's just not the type of person I am. I'm way too nice and a bit of a pushover at times. So, now I'm still upset but at least now we are hopefully on track to leave around Wednesday. He said Monday we'd know for sure...I just hope I don't ovulate before then... because I can't fully trust my doctors judgment since this is the first day he's seen me since I've taken medication. The only time he's ever checked me out is during my HSG in which he just said "you passed the test"
So, until Monday I probably wont have anything new to report...just on a higher dosage and introducing the new shot starting Sunday morning. Tomorrow or tonight I'll have to contact my workplace to see about extending my LOA...praying that all works out. So, anyway, this is my breakdown/venting post. Every blog dealing with IVF/infertility is allowed at least ONE venting post :-) Hopefully my next post will be a much happier one.
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