Wow! After rereading the last entry I realized absolutely everything about our life has changed. Which seems to be a common thing with foster care.
WHAT YOU'VE MISSED:
In court, our former foster son, B (and D) finally are getting a TPR hearing in September (next month). Visitations continue and the birth mother has become a little more sabotaging as far as all of the children are concerned. For example: encouraging bad behavior like fighting, name calling, urinating in public (yes, really), and taking off clothing. Considering B has a history of getting in trouble with school because of these, this was a big deal.
B started having in home intensive counseling. Outpatient counseling wasn't working and his behaviors were becoming more aggressive. IE: making suicidal comments, saying he will kill himself/others. Trying to harm the dog. Putting rubber bands around his neck and twisting. Really scary things. Our poor walls were also getting hit was some hard blows (literally).
Long story short, B is now in therapeutic foster care. After a year and a half with us, and with the possibility of adopting, we had to let him go. I miss him every day but I pray he is doing well. We have good friends going through foster care classes in hopes of adopting him when he's available.
In June, a couple months before B left us, we got a call the night before leaving for the beach for a child who was only needing placement for a week or so. We said yes and took him to the beach with us. He's the most perfect baby. Baby B came to us shortly before his first birthday the size of a 6 month old. He was very malnourished and hadn't had been to the doctor for shots. He had a long history with his parents and DSS as far as removal was concerned. He was born addicted and was lost in the system multiple times. He is still with us and we are being told it's only a matter of time before having to give him back. Out of the 14 kids or so that we've been placed with, none of them have felt more like ours than he has. We love him so much and enjoy every single day we are blessed with him. He will be getting his own blog posting once. He's not feeling well and currently napping so I will leave this blog short and sweet until next time.
The way things go with my blog timings, a lot will probably have changed by next time.But, hopefully for the good!!
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Monday, April 9, 2018
The journey continues...
Second blog posting in a single year -- is this a new record for me?
Just another update in the foster world as we approach our second permanency hearing. B is doing really well as of lately. He has started counseling and we are working on getting him some extra help in the classroom to assist with some behaviors. He has gone through a lot of change lately. This entire case is really falling to pieces as we approach court in May.
For starters, B's father who entered back in the picture had some things pop up on his background checks. Unfortunately this has been caught AFTER he's been introduced to B and his siblings. Can't really go back from there. I'm not 100% sure what he's done in his past, but obviously it's nothing the court will like in this situation. Also, he's failed his drug tests both times he's tested and has yet to complete drug rehab.
His mother cooperates but was ultimately given an ultimatum : lose your kids or the guy. She chose the guy, hoping the judge will overlook his past and allow all 5 children back in the home. According to facebook she has now gotten rid of him, but at this point it may be too late.
So that leaves everything up in the air. I think it's safe to say the 4 siblings who are not biologically related will not be able to go back to the home with him in the picture. Maybe ever as this is our second permanency hearing. The future of B will be left up to the judge. She may go ahead and revoke parental rights at this hearing and that'll make B free for adoption.
Basically, nothing will be clear until May. The good thing is, we are approaching summer so any big change will take place during the summer and hopefully give everyone a chance to adjust to their new normal by the start of the new school year.
Obviously, I can't post too many details about the case but that's where we stand as of today. I am taking things day by day and somewhere in between looking forward to May and dreading going. I have many fears but I also have many hopes of things possibly happening for the first time these kids have been in foster care (nearly two years). I think these kids deserve to know what they're facing and stop being stuck in limbo. One way or another, I'm just hoping we get some answers and know which direction these children are facing to allow them a chance to adjust in whatever situation they're going to be facing.
My goal is to blog again in May -- if not before. I have several thoughts I've been meaning to blog about the foster world but I'm saving that sappy post for a rainy day. AKA : When I've got some free time. With a five year old, those free moments don't happen too often!!
Until the next update....the journey continues..
:)
Just another update in the foster world as we approach our second permanency hearing. B is doing really well as of lately. He has started counseling and we are working on getting him some extra help in the classroom to assist with some behaviors. He has gone through a lot of change lately. This entire case is really falling to pieces as we approach court in May.
For starters, B's father who entered back in the picture had some things pop up on his background checks. Unfortunately this has been caught AFTER he's been introduced to B and his siblings. Can't really go back from there. I'm not 100% sure what he's done in his past, but obviously it's nothing the court will like in this situation. Also, he's failed his drug tests both times he's tested and has yet to complete drug rehab.
His mother cooperates but was ultimately given an ultimatum : lose your kids or the guy. She chose the guy, hoping the judge will overlook his past and allow all 5 children back in the home. According to facebook she has now gotten rid of him, but at this point it may be too late.
So that leaves everything up in the air. I think it's safe to say the 4 siblings who are not biologically related will not be able to go back to the home with him in the picture. Maybe ever as this is our second permanency hearing. The future of B will be left up to the judge. She may go ahead and revoke parental rights at this hearing and that'll make B free for adoption.
Basically, nothing will be clear until May. The good thing is, we are approaching summer so any big change will take place during the summer and hopefully give everyone a chance to adjust to their new normal by the start of the new school year.
Obviously, I can't post too many details about the case but that's where we stand as of today. I am taking things day by day and somewhere in between looking forward to May and dreading going. I have many fears but I also have many hopes of things possibly happening for the first time these kids have been in foster care (nearly two years). I think these kids deserve to know what they're facing and stop being stuck in limbo. One way or another, I'm just hoping we get some answers and know which direction these children are facing to allow them a chance to adjust in whatever situation they're going to be facing.
My goal is to blog again in May -- if not before. I have several thoughts I've been meaning to blog about the foster world but I'm saving that sappy post for a rainy day. AKA : When I've got some free time. With a five year old, those free moments don't happen too often!!
Until the next update....the journey continues..
:)
Saturday, January 20, 2018
What to Expect When You're Fostering...
We completed our PRIDE training in March of 2017 as a big step into our foster care journey. On June, we were placed with our first respite placement. RESPITE fostering is basically temporarily fostering children needing short-term placement for whatever the reason it is needed. In this case, a foster family was going on vacation for a week and needed a respite family to look after their three foster children.
WHAT WE WERE TOLD BEFORE OUR FIRST PLACEMENT
Before we were placed, they provided us limited details. We were told the reason they would be placed with us. The resource social worker couldn't remember the names of the children but told me it would be a baby, a one year old, and a 7 year old. I didn't know genders. The day before these three children were placed in our care, we were able to get in touch with the foster family who cared for the children. Finally, we were able to get real information about the kids and what to expect. We got to meet the kids that night and thankfully, the foster family was helpful to provide basically everything the kids would need. I was nervous with this placement because this was our first and three kids is a lot, especially for two under the age of one.
The two eldest were siblings. They were Hispanic and their mother who was the only biological parent in their life was Spanish speaking only, but did have a boyfriend who could speak limited English. We did have to do visitation the weekend we had the kids, so it was interesting interacting with them. I also was introduced into the joys of fixing hair of children of different ethnicities. This was especially difficult for me considering I still haven't figured out how to fix my own hair at the age of 27. I was told the one year old girl would scream when laid down for bed. Thankfully this was not the case. She didn't talk at all, but she had a hefty appetite. She was adorable and became extra clingy to R.
Her older brother was 7. He was on medication for ADD. I was told he used to have some behavior issues but had calmed down a lot recently. I had zero trouble with him either. He was very intelligent and was so adorable in his glasses. He would pray every night for he, his sister, and baby R to be able return home to their families. It broke my heart every time. He would call us Mrs. M and Mr. R. Precious.
The baby was so beautiful. She was no problem at all. She woke up each night every three hours but never cried. I just held her the entire week. I just hugged and kissed on her as often as I could. I got a little insight to her family life. Her mother had no visitations. It sounded like she would not be going home any time soon, if ever. Knowing this, it was a little hard not to fall in love with her. I cried giving her back. It's hard not to judge parents when you see a perfect baby in foster care knowing the parents are doing absolutely nothing to get them back. Especially knowing you would sacrifice anything to be that child's mother. Her bother used medications (probably meth or heroine) while pregnant so baby R's legs would lock up and shake. I would just hold her and pray for her each and every time. I also secretly got super angry at her mother for doing this to this precious baby. I didn't realize how judgmental of a person I was until baby R entered my life.
Anyway, that week flew by and I had to give them back. It was much harder than expected. I see the older too occasionally at the park or at Walmart (perks of a small town). I recently got to snuggle baby R at a foster care Christmas party. I offered to baby sit as much as possible to the foster mom.
My next placement was also a respite case. It was for a 13 year old and a 4 year old boy. They were brothers. Although I worried about taking in a teen (with me being so young), I actually knew their foster parents and went through PRIDE training with them. I knew the kids were great and I didn't think it would be an issue. The foster parents are local pastors and have 5 of these children from the same family. They were going to the beach and had to split the kids up for the week in respite care (not many families are equipped to take in 5 kids, unfortunately). Anyway, I took in the youngest and the eldest. I went to their church that Sunday and took the kids home immediately after. The youngest had blonde hair and blue eyes, and so sweet. He told his foster family, "I love M, she's my favorite." My mind was blown. The first time I met him and he was already so accepting of me. The eldest was very helpful as the youngest had speech issues. He helped translate until we could pick up what he was trying to say. They were both so good together and very well behaved. We had the best time and spoiled them a little bit. After the week was over, we took them back home and told them we would love to baby sit any time for them.
After July, we had been waiting for a more permanent placement. The resource worker at the time knew we had plans to foster to adopt but we understood as foster parents, the goal is always to return home. We finally got the call one night that there was a newly born little boy who was born to a mother who used drugs while pregnant. The baby was born premature but completely healthy. He was actually about 10 lbs at birth! He had an older sister who was 7. We agreed to take both of them in. I was so excited and so nervous. They basically said she had another son who was already in foster care and was not even attempting to get him back. She wouldn't even go to visitations or make any efforts. They expected the same case and we were planning for a long term foster placement with hopes of adopting. We quickly went to Walmart and got everything we could think of. Outfits for two kids, bath supplies, diapers, car seats, and the works! We got to social services and they placed a sweet bouncing baby boy in my arms and said, "instant family!" I wanted to cry! I was told he had a check up with his pediatrician that morning and the birth mom may show up. We were eventually taken to the next room and met the most precious little girl who was so smart! She played on her tablet and didn't look a bit upset. She was in good spirits and talked to us about her interest and her love of her new brother. She went home with us and since it was late, we got her ready for bed time after spending some time getting to know them and introducing her around the house.
All was going well until I got her to bed and the tears started flowing for her mommy. She was clearly scared and begged not to be alone in the room. After talking with her, she had never had a bed or a room before. She was used to sleeping on the couch with a family members. From the stories she told, it wasn't the best situation. I asked if she wanted to pray and she wasn't sure what that was. I explained it was how we talk to Jesus and again, she was confused about what I was talking about. Again, I was so shocked. We lived in a small town with more churches than stores, right in the bible belt and this little girl had never heard about Jesus. I went from feeling as if I was out of my element and completely unsure as to why I was fostering to finally realizing that maybe this is why I got to where I was at. I was able to tell this little girl about Jesus and lead her into prayer. In the end, she slept on the couch and I held her hand as I sat in the floor of the living room as she went to bed. I completely understand rules placed on foster families as far as restricting laying in beds with foster children. It protects all parties involved. However, it really sucks explaining to kids who cry for you to snuggle them in bed so they can sleep more comfortable that you just can't. So you end up in the floor by the bed, or by the couch... just wishing things could be different.
So obviously word got around that we were placed with a supposed potential adoption case. I had friend and family so excited. The baby never cried and just woke up every two hours, like clock work. His cord had already fallen off by time I changed his first diaper so I had to do a lot of research regarding that. OH! And I had to see my first uncircumcised penis. I had to call my husband in to verify that that wasn't what it was supposed to look like... you know, I was new at this.
The next morning I loaded my little ones up, and headed to the doctor. It was hard to complete the paperwork but minutes into the appointment, the nurse came in to notify me the birth mom and aunt were there. Awkward. The mother came in and grabbed the baby up, kissing him all over. I sat there and witnessed, unsure what to say. The aunt talked with me and asked how they were. I updated her on our first time and also asked the birth mom some questions on the paperwork I didn't have answers to. They were pleasant, but awkward. The doctor came in and addressed all questions to me. He was clearly annoyed with the birth mother and even gave her the third degree so he could determine what the baby was put at risk and should be monitored for. By the end of the appointment, the aunt spoke up and claimed she had custody of these children, which clearly was untrue. I spoke up and said I was caring for the children as their foster mother. DSS had custody of these children. The aunt said she was going to court to get them back. News to me.
I called the children's social worker as soon as I got home. It took a while to get a response. They basically told me not to worry and said the aunt was deemed unfit. She wanted them but her home was unsafe and it wasn't a possibility. She was the sister of the brother who fathered the brother who was already in foster care and there was a possibility sexual abuse was an issue. I felt a little better but it was strange. I was also told it was okay for their mother to call as long as the call was on speakerphone.
I took the 7-year-old to a vacation bible school my sister's church was having. She had a blast. My niece was so great with her, taking her under her wing. My niece invited her two friends but always made sure to keep her with her and include her on everything. She has always made sure any child in my care feels like her cousin. She's an amazingly loving little girl. When we left, she was excited to go back the next night for bible school and to continue going to church. I felt so happy that I was able to introduce her to church.
The next morning I got my sleep deprived (hello, newborn at home) self up and gave the little one his first allowed real bath. I took pictures because...that's what moms new for baby's first bath, right? So I got him dressed and all oiled up and down for a nap. I got my girl in the bath when I got a call from DSS. I wasn't able to get to it since I was helping her get out of the bath but I checked the voicemail as soon as I got her clothes to her. It basically said, "Hey, M. This is ---- from DSS. It was determined at court that the aunt did win custody of the kids so please return my call when you get this. Thanks." I just froze and had to look at the phone. Surely I misheard, right? So by now my heart is pumping fast and I go check on the baby and tell the 7-year-old I had to make an important call in the next room while she played. I got ahold of her first attempt (surprise, surprise). She basically said I had two hours to return the children and I could contact the aunt to arrange the switch. I tried to get an explanation. I needed to know how this happened. I wasn't even aware there was a court case happening and this would even be a possibility. The social worker wouldn't answer any questions. I called the aunt and she was so excited. Not to sound selfish or dramatic but I was so angry by her mood. My whole world was falling apart. I was finally going to be a mom. And now I wasn't. I was an almost mom for five days. FIVE. I had a crib and car seats and every baby product possible. I had just gotten all of my friends and families old baby hand-me-down clothes. I hadn't even washed them. The aunt needed everything for a kid so not only did I have to return these children I needed to supply them with everything I had just purchased days ago. I guess I could have been petty and kept them but how would I know the children would have clothes, diapers, and formula? Needless to say, everything went with them. The aunt didn't have room for all of the stuff. I had CASES of diapers and bought everything I could in bulk. She picked the kids up from my house and the biological mother was with her. Which wasn't supposed to be allowed. I had to give these kids and do it with a smile on my face because...I'm supposed to be glad these kids get to be with biological family. Even knowing this sister was in communication with a brother who abused his son. And has violent dogs who has already harmed the 7-year-old. Who only has one bed room and no room for two other children. Who has special needs children at home and smokers in the home. The girl looked at her mother and said, "I went to a place called church. Can we go there sometime?" My heart stopped. I now knew why I was put in this situation to only have it ripped away. I did that. It hurts but I did that. I did something that may or may not make a lasting impression.
Six months have passed since that day. I see her and the baby at DSS when she has visitations with their mother. I also see their older brother who the case worker forced visitations the same days as the other kids so the mother had to see them all. I hope they're doing well. The social worker says they are.
I called my boss and friend right after with the goal to tell her I would no longer need the remaining couple of weeks off from work. I would be back to work tomorrow. I attempted to tell her the basics but ended up sobbing on the phone, unable to get the entire story out. She just listened. That was the last time I allowed myself to cry over that particular incident. I just try to remember that I had a purpose in that, and I hope I did my job.
After that happened, it left a bad taste of foster care in my mouth. I felt like I was never informed and I was basically told what I was needed to hear to agree to take in a placement. I didn't feel my best interests was at heart. I was done with foster care. I wasn't strong enough to do it.
A week or two later, my phone rang. I got a call from the resource worker asking if I remembered the teen boy I did respite care for in July. She said he's requesting to live with us as he's upset with his foster family. She said he'd been acting out and always saying to his foster parents, "I want to live with the F-- family." It was going to be for the weekend until a decision could be made with where he would go. We agreed and picked him up that night. We were told it would just be for the weekend, another respite case. When we pulled up to the house, he started bringing all of his belongings. He claimed he would not be returning home. R and I didn't know what to do because he was basically thrown onto us and we weren't in a place to tell him he couldn't stay. R and I discussed that night that we should be his foster parents as we weren't able to take in cases of babies and emotionally handle the heartbreak again. We were familiar with him and thought it felt right for us at the time. We had a heart-to-heart with him and told him we weren't always these fun people he knew. We had to put boundaries in place to keep him safe and he wouldn't always like it. He laughed and said he wouldn't ever be mad at us. Things were pretty great with him. Later that week we found out the foster family would be putting in a notice possibly for all of the kids. The resource worker asked if we would be interested in getting the young boy we kept with him, his blonde haired brother. We agreed almost immediately. I was actually excited to get him. We met his foster parents at my work, where they brought his belongings. You could tell the foster mom, especially was torn up by the decision. It was obviously they cared but wanted the best for him. I knew what that was like. They would be bringing him later that night but wanted to have his things moved first so it wasn't such a shock to him and the kids when they packed him up in front of them. He was dropped off that night and told his siblings, "this is MY foster home. Not yours! You can't come!" We were relived he was taking it in great stride. He was so positive about it and immediately jumped on his bike and started playing with his brother. It was a good move for the teen boy as well. Again, things were good. We had to adjust with taking two boys to the Y and going to work. It was the summer so we had time until school started. One would be going to middle school and one was going to preschool for the first time. We were able to get him into a school in our district and he was put into the class with my niece. We were so excited about that! They became good friends.
Overtime, he was having trouble adjusting as he was missing his foster mom. He called her "mama" and he wanted her. It was heartbreaking. School started and I got to be there for their first day. I felt so honored but so heartbroken that their mother wasn't there. This was a major milestone and she wasn't there as she should have been. I was a little disappointed by her lack of communication. She didn't check in, ever. I took first day of school pictures and sent to their former foster mom, who always checked in. After much debate, I did the right thing and sent the birth mom pictures from that morning with an update how the first day went. The former foster mom wanted to hear all about B's first day of preschool and I let him call her. They were just as excited as we were to hear he loved school.
Overtime, things got more difficult. Behavior at school for B was a nightmare. He was violent at home when upset, and he basically yelled how much he didn't want to live here anymore. He wanted to live with his former foster parents again. Visitations were terrible. He would cry all the way home and wouldn't adjust. Again, behavior was terrible at school. Social services did absolutely nothing. Weekly and daily at times I would send updates and pleas for help, to which none came. I requested help or any type of services to be set up.
The teen was doing well in school but the honeymoon period was ending. He wanted back with his other foster families and I felt like a failure. I wasn't doing anything right and these kids would never love me like I wanted them to. He started having behaviors and being very disrespectful to me. He made threats often about running away and asked to be moved many times. After another argument he packed his bags and we were just so exhausted by talking him into staying with us. We tried every tactic to get him to stay, including fear. We told him the harsh truth of foster care. We had no clue where he'd go if he left. It could be a group home. He said anything would be better than with us. So we called and put in our notice for him.
A family partnership meeting was called in effort to maintain the placement. To summarize the meeting, they basically called us inadequate and made us feel like crap for putting in the notice. Even though it was his request. They said we should try harder. I'm a very passive person, so I said nothing. What I wanted to say is I was the only person who did try. I asked since the day we got him to get him counseling. I reported every behavior and talked him into staying with us over 20 times. I didn't get any follow up from DSS until we had it and put in a notice. At the meeting, they offered to set him up with counseling. I'm a social worker myself and am familiar with Medicaid. I questioned how long to get approval and start services. They couldn't answer and basically said it wouldn't happen soon. We told them we couldn't do that and it was determined they would find placement. They again told us, "We have no where for him to go." I had to remind myself that that wasn't my problem.
It was two days pasted the window of when our notice was put in when we got a call from another worker. She was rude and basically said, "Tell me what happened at the meeting. I'm confused." We told her we put in a notice but hadn't heard anything. We told her it had been over the 10 day notice but we weren't in a rush as long as he was placed in a good home and could stay in the same school. She told us that would be impossible and she was moving him immediately and we had no say so in the matter. I had second thoughts as D's behavior was improving but she said we couldn't change our mind once a notice was put in and it was happening. We felt like it was probably best. We got a call later that day they found placement and to bring D's stuff to social services the next day and drop him off at a new school. We were shocked how fast that could happen. I called both schools and confirmed all records had been transferred. We were left to break the news to D. Of course, he didn't handle it well. He said he would get in a fight as soon as he got to the school and would run away. We called the case worker and said he refused to go and they would need to take him. They said they didn't have enough workers to do that so they wouldn't do that. I asked if he would be a bus rider or car rider or who would be picking him up. They wouldn't tell us anything so we had no information to give to D. I just told him to go to the office after school.
After school, the former foster mom called me. Her friend at the new school called her to let her know that no one picked up D. They picked him up and took him home. Social services said they had no place for him to go and would need them to keep him over night. DSS were pretty hateful so they said they would not be doing this. They called us and was very unprofessional. They said "we need you to take him. We will not reimburse you for this, if you don't do this he will have to sleep here at the agency until he can be placed." I felt very strange by the entire situation and decided to call their bluff. I found out later they placed him that night and is with that same foster parent.
B actually adjusted much better than we thought without his brother. He missed him but in the end, he really grew without him. His older brother was no longer there making him feel bad for wanting to love on us like we were his parents. He didn't feel like he couldn't bond with us.
It's now January of 2018 and we finally have B into case management at his school. His first treatment will be next week. Just remember -- we have been requesting services since JULY for him and it's just now getting set up. He's adjusted well with us now and calls us mommy and daddy bear. It took him 6 months to adjust. There were times we thought we would put in notice because we saw no light at the end of the tunnel. D talks with us now and I feel like he regrets his decision to leave. His situation he is in now isn't ideal but it may be what he needed. He's not being spoiled like he was with us. We talk to him and see him at visitations. He knows he is welcome at our home any time.
We've developed a close relationship with B's former foster family. They've become our extended family. We go to their church now and help out in the children's ministry. We also keep his siblings often and he goes there for visits.
I wont get into his biological family history. These kids survived so much and their future living arrangements are still to be determined. They've been in foster care well over a year and we go back for a permanency hearing in May. I've been fine this entire time with the knowledge of the possibility of giving B back to his birth mom. His birth now is now in the picture as well. Up until this month, now that he's adjusted, I was okay knowing I could see him and help after he transitions back home. Now it scares me to death the thought of giving him back. It's selfish and probably so mean. But I want him to stay. If given the option in the future, we will adopt B. I'm not sure what will happen in the future...but stay tuned.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Things Infertile Women Hate to Hear...
I was speaking with a friend who is also having fertility issues and we got on the subject of annoying things we HATE to hear from other people. I've been told so many things that most people wouldn't find offensive...those people usually mean well, but it can really be frustrating to hear and witness some things that fertile people often take for granted. So, I have complied a list...keep in mind this is just for fun...of course, if you are guilty of saying or doing these...it's good to keep in mind that there are plenty of people who could really be upset by these.
1. "I'll be your surrogate!"
I feel guilty adding this to the top of the list. Mostly because literally every female I am close to has offered at some point or another to carry a baby for me. It's truly a sweet gesture because I have no doubt those ladies would be willing to do it but there's a few things that prevent me from taking comfort in this kind gesture.
- Even if I were to take these people up on these offers...it's super expensive to get pregnant with a surrogate. You basically have to pay someone to do an IVF treatment, which isn't guaranteed. Not to mention those ladies do not realized they'd have to go to the doctor multiple times a week, mess with their bodies hormones, and travel...they will also need to go though the entire pregnancy, deliver a baby, and go though the heartbreak of signing that child over to me. Surrogacy is a great option for some...it's just not an option for me.
2. "My friend couldn't get pregnant for ten years...now she has TWINS!"
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love hearing these types of stories. I also selfishly get super sad. I am not naive enough to think EVERY infertile couple are able to have children. Just because it happened to one person, does not mean it will happen to you. Adding to that, not all women (and men) have the same issues. Some are more treatable than others...making miracle pregnancies a little more possible.
3. "Be patient...God has a plan for you!"
To be clear, I agree with that statement 100%. I included this in my top annoying list because it is something I struggle with the most. I've mentioned before, I am very impatient. God is still working with me on that. I KNOW without a doubt that God does have a plan for me. I will say, it makes me worried that those plans do not involve me ever being a mother. I'm still learning to trust God's judgement. Obviously, I really want a baby...I need to trust that God's plans are way better than my own. Because I do not know those plans at this moment, it's difficult to be patient. I know this is the whole reason why trusting God is important in these types of situations. So, until I can correct those impatient flaws of mine, this statement will always be annoying to me"
4. "You can always adopt!"
Yes, I can. And I plan to do so. Two things with this...Even adopting a child, it doesn't take away the pain of knowing you're body has failed you and you're not able to do the one thing you thought bodies were supposed to be able to do. Obviously I would love adopted/biological children the same...but it doesn't make it easy knowing one of your dreams is not an option. And number two...adoption is freaking expensive. It's also very hard. You can't just decide one day to pick out a child online and you instantly become that child's mother. If you want a newborn, you have to pay a ton of money for adoption fees...and go through the entire process of being able to be eligible to adopt. It's way easier (and cheaper) to just naturally have children. It is so sad to say, but it's the truth. There are tons of children who do need homes... but it's so hard and expensive to give them homes. You'll learn in a future post that I am in the process of foster/adopting... there are other options...but to adopt a child from the very beginning of it's life, it's just as difficult as having children naturally when you're dealing with infertility.
5. "When are you going to have a baby?"
I know people mean well. It doesn't help that I am super secretive and private. Not many people know I have been dealing with infertility. I don't even advertise this blog because I don't want anyone who knows me to know. Because of that, I get this question a lot. I usually laugh it off and say, "I don't know" or "Whenever God wants me to..." I try to brush it off and change the subject QUICK before I bust out in tears. Just a heads up for ANYONE reading this...don't ask questions like that... one, it's super personal. I don't care if it's your sister, friend, or a stranger you met at Walmart. You truly have no idea what a person is going though. Just because a person doesn't have children doesn't mean their infertile...but it could mean they aren't interested in having children at all. Either way, it's really no ones business. I will never understand why people put so much pressure on others to have children.
I could keep going but I will leave it at a top 5. I'm interested if anyone else has anything to add to the list. Thinking back, I've probably asked or said a few of these to other people when I was younger. Going through this has given me a complete new outlook on these type of things. It's always good to show a person you care. Sometimes people going through infertility just need a person to vent to...not someone who can offer advice. Personally, the last person I like getting advice from is from people who have a bunch of kids already. To all the fertile-Myrtles of the world, just be kind. Be understanding. Be patient. If a friend or a loved one is going through things and choose to confide in you -- JUST LISTEN. Also, choose your words wisely. You never know how a person is going to take what you say.
**Just a side note to those who have said these to me, I promise you, I don't take it to heart...I know you mean well...I just wanted to send a friendly reminder to those who may not be aware that words hurt. LOVE YOU!**
1. "I'll be your surrogate!"
I feel guilty adding this to the top of the list. Mostly because literally every female I am close to has offered at some point or another to carry a baby for me. It's truly a sweet gesture because I have no doubt those ladies would be willing to do it but there's a few things that prevent me from taking comfort in this kind gesture.
- Even if I were to take these people up on these offers...it's super expensive to get pregnant with a surrogate. You basically have to pay someone to do an IVF treatment, which isn't guaranteed. Not to mention those ladies do not realized they'd have to go to the doctor multiple times a week, mess with their bodies hormones, and travel...they will also need to go though the entire pregnancy, deliver a baby, and go though the heartbreak of signing that child over to me. Surrogacy is a great option for some...it's just not an option for me.
2. "My friend couldn't get pregnant for ten years...now she has TWINS!"
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love hearing these types of stories. I also selfishly get super sad. I am not naive enough to think EVERY infertile couple are able to have children. Just because it happened to one person, does not mean it will happen to you. Adding to that, not all women (and men) have the same issues. Some are more treatable than others...making miracle pregnancies a little more possible.
3. "Be patient...God has a plan for you!"
To be clear, I agree with that statement 100%. I included this in my top annoying list because it is something I struggle with the most. I've mentioned before, I am very impatient. God is still working with me on that. I KNOW without a doubt that God does have a plan for me. I will say, it makes me worried that those plans do not involve me ever being a mother. I'm still learning to trust God's judgement. Obviously, I really want a baby...I need to trust that God's plans are way better than my own. Because I do not know those plans at this moment, it's difficult to be patient. I know this is the whole reason why trusting God is important in these types of situations. So, until I can correct those impatient flaws of mine, this statement will always be annoying to me"
4. "You can always adopt!"
Yes, I can. And I plan to do so. Two things with this...Even adopting a child, it doesn't take away the pain of knowing you're body has failed you and you're not able to do the one thing you thought bodies were supposed to be able to do. Obviously I would love adopted/biological children the same...but it doesn't make it easy knowing one of your dreams is not an option. And number two...adoption is freaking expensive. It's also very hard. You can't just decide one day to pick out a child online and you instantly become that child's mother. If you want a newborn, you have to pay a ton of money for adoption fees...and go through the entire process of being able to be eligible to adopt. It's way easier (and cheaper) to just naturally have children. It is so sad to say, but it's the truth. There are tons of children who do need homes... but it's so hard and expensive to give them homes. You'll learn in a future post that I am in the process of foster/adopting... there are other options...but to adopt a child from the very beginning of it's life, it's just as difficult as having children naturally when you're dealing with infertility.
5. "When are you going to have a baby?"
I know people mean well. It doesn't help that I am super secretive and private. Not many people know I have been dealing with infertility. I don't even advertise this blog because I don't want anyone who knows me to know. Because of that, I get this question a lot. I usually laugh it off and say, "I don't know" or "Whenever God wants me to..." I try to brush it off and change the subject QUICK before I bust out in tears. Just a heads up for ANYONE reading this...don't ask questions like that... one, it's super personal. I don't care if it's your sister, friend, or a stranger you met at Walmart. You truly have no idea what a person is going though. Just because a person doesn't have children doesn't mean their infertile...but it could mean they aren't interested in having children at all. Either way, it's really no ones business. I will never understand why people put so much pressure on others to have children.
I could keep going but I will leave it at a top 5. I'm interested if anyone else has anything to add to the list. Thinking back, I've probably asked or said a few of these to other people when I was younger. Going through this has given me a complete new outlook on these type of things. It's always good to show a person you care. Sometimes people going through infertility just need a person to vent to...not someone who can offer advice. Personally, the last person I like getting advice from is from people who have a bunch of kids already. To all the fertile-Myrtles of the world, just be kind. Be understanding. Be patient. If a friend or a loved one is going through things and choose to confide in you -- JUST LISTEN. Also, choose your words wisely. You never know how a person is going to take what you say.
**Just a side note to those who have said these to me, I promise you, I don't take it to heart...I know you mean well...I just wanted to send a friendly reminder to those who may not be aware that words hurt. LOVE YOU!**
It's about time for an update...
So, I run a book blog but realized I hadn't posted in over a year...I read a really good book and saw my audience of over 1K was slowing losing interested and decided to blog again. Well, in the process I remembered about this blog and decided I should probably do an update.
My last entry was explaining that the IVF was unsuccessful. Well, there's a ton of things that happened after...here's a very quick summary of the last couple of years :
1. I decided to do another round of IVF --
No worries for those who would have been interested to read all about it. It never happened. What did happen is after about a year of being super sad after a failed IVF attempt, I decided to make an appointment to use our final embryo that we had stored. The WEEK we were scheduled for the first appointment to start the whole process over again my IVF nurse called to tell me that she was sorry but there was a mistake done by one of the nurses in charge of storage. WHAT?! Yeah, my thoughts exactly. It's something I am still pretty bitter about to this day because it's something you would hear about on TV, nothing that could possibly happen in real life -- or so I thought. They claimed the lady no longer worked with them because it wasn't the first incident this happened...but I stalk their FB page and have noticed her in some recent photos. If only I was one of those people who could speak their mind... Needless to say no IVF = no baby. And no more embryos or chances left for the IVF. They did offer to go through the entire process of IVF with them again. Um, pass.
2. WE MOVED!
Well, not really. We are located the same place but it's a new house. We have always lived in a private lot of all family members. We decided to get a bigger house as we still want to expand our family, however that may happen. We got a modular home. It has three bedrooms, so plenty of room to welcome a child (or three).
3. WE ARE BECOMING FOSTER PARENTS!
Now, this is the most recent update. I've always been interested in adopting/fostering ever since I had a good friend in high school who had some rotten luck in the foster care system. I wanted to foster him but of course, I was only a child myself. Well, 10 years later, I am finally becoming a foster parent. I actually started the process a couple months ago. I finished the PRIDE training and am currently waiting for the home assessment. We are aiming for a child that is 0-3. We may do some respite care for older children as well. Our goal is to foster-to-adopt. Our home assessment is NEXT MONDAY so I have been working hard to get my house together. We will be out of town this weekend for Easter, visiting my family. So, Sunday night should be super fun doing last minute laundry and cleaning in preparation! I know a lot of people are interested in the whole process -- I'll blog more about the process later. If anyone has specific questions, feel free to ask so I can include answers! Since we are planning on being a permanent home, should the need arise, we will probably have to wait slightly longer than the average foster parent for placement. I think we will mostly get placed with children who have a high probability of needing permanency placement (a forever home). We have had some rotten luck over these past several years, so I do worry about the potential heartbreak, but either way...it's something we both felt led to do.
Anyway, I just wanted to hit you all with the highlights of where we are at...I sort of left you hanging with the last post and didn't want you all to think we stopped our journey to parenthood. Definitely not the case with us. We are full speed ahead...
Funny story, when creating the title for this blog I was very particular about naming it. Early on I knew God had special plans for us. I didn't (and still) have no clue what those plans are, but I know it's a journey of FAITH. I also know it'll be a journey that leads us to "YOU". It may take us a while to understand just who that "YOU" may be...but it'll be a journey I know we will look back and know was worth all of this.
My last entry was explaining that the IVF was unsuccessful. Well, there's a ton of things that happened after...here's a very quick summary of the last couple of years :
1. I decided to do another round of IVF --
No worries for those who would have been interested to read all about it. It never happened. What did happen is after about a year of being super sad after a failed IVF attempt, I decided to make an appointment to use our final embryo that we had stored. The WEEK we were scheduled for the first appointment to start the whole process over again my IVF nurse called to tell me that she was sorry but there was a mistake done by one of the nurses in charge of storage. WHAT?! Yeah, my thoughts exactly. It's something I am still pretty bitter about to this day because it's something you would hear about on TV, nothing that could possibly happen in real life -- or so I thought. They claimed the lady no longer worked with them because it wasn't the first incident this happened...but I stalk their FB page and have noticed her in some recent photos. If only I was one of those people who could speak their mind... Needless to say no IVF = no baby. And no more embryos or chances left for the IVF. They did offer to go through the entire process of IVF with them again. Um, pass.
2. WE MOVED!
Well, not really. We are located the same place but it's a new house. We have always lived in a private lot of all family members. We decided to get a bigger house as we still want to expand our family, however that may happen. We got a modular home. It has three bedrooms, so plenty of room to welcome a child (or three).
3. WE ARE BECOMING FOSTER PARENTS!
Now, this is the most recent update. I've always been interested in adopting/fostering ever since I had a good friend in high school who had some rotten luck in the foster care system. I wanted to foster him but of course, I was only a child myself. Well, 10 years later, I am finally becoming a foster parent. I actually started the process a couple months ago. I finished the PRIDE training and am currently waiting for the home assessment. We are aiming for a child that is 0-3. We may do some respite care for older children as well. Our goal is to foster-to-adopt. Our home assessment is NEXT MONDAY so I have been working hard to get my house together. We will be out of town this weekend for Easter, visiting my family. So, Sunday night should be super fun doing last minute laundry and cleaning in preparation! I know a lot of people are interested in the whole process -- I'll blog more about the process later. If anyone has specific questions, feel free to ask so I can include answers! Since we are planning on being a permanent home, should the need arise, we will probably have to wait slightly longer than the average foster parent for placement. I think we will mostly get placed with children who have a high probability of needing permanency placement (a forever home). We have had some rotten luck over these past several years, so I do worry about the potential heartbreak, but either way...it's something we both felt led to do.
Anyway, I just wanted to hit you all with the highlights of where we are at...I sort of left you hanging with the last post and didn't want you all to think we stopped our journey to parenthood. Definitely not the case with us. We are full speed ahead...
Funny story, when creating the title for this blog I was very particular about naming it. Early on I knew God had special plans for us. I didn't (and still) have no clue what those plans are, but I know it's a journey of FAITH. I also know it'll be a journey that leads us to "YOU". It may take us a while to understand just who that "YOU" may be...but it'll be a journey I know we will look back and know was worth all of this.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Love and the Outcome...
It's nearly 4AM and under 30 degrees outside. I was laying in my warm, comfortable bed when it got laid on my heart to blog about a song that has been on my mind. And yes, I would have loved to have stayed in bed but, when the Lord tells you to blog about a song...you blog about a song...and don't question who it's for. Ironically, the song and the entire blog for the morning is about trusting God...because he does know what he's doing. It is my hope that this blog finds someone, someday in the right moment. It's for the person who is finding it harder to trust God's judgment, and even harder to find the patience to wait on the outcome. HE does know what he's doing... and if we can stick it out, we will see that there's a reason for all of the hurt, all of the disappointments, and all of the other stuff we had to endure to get to the light at the end of the seemingly never-ending tunnel.
The song is called He is With Us by Love and the Outcome.
Forgive my quick copy-and-paste job, but here are the lyrics (taken from lyrics.com)
Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
We're not afraid
We can trust our God
Always, always
We can trust our God
Always, always
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
Our God is with us
***Now that you've read the lyrics... go YouTube the song. Better yet, buy it from ITUNES or wherever people get their music from these days. Seriously a very powerful song. Now, I don't cry like a normal person--I just get overcome with a great sadness that would be equivalent to how a person feels when they cry, or so I would think. Anyway... this song gets me every time. I feel like this song was written for me. Of course, I'm sure everyone has that one song they feel like that towards but seriously... this song has really spoke to me and made me keep the faith and remember that I need to quit questioning God's plan for me. I imagine wherever I end up, there's going to be a purpose for this entire situation.
Let's be honest, infertility really sucks. I truly hope someday my story will be used as an encouragement to others...if only one person. As much as I want God to use me as an example, I have to be selfish and hope that my story has a happy ending.
As a side note, I've noticed my favorite blogs I read all have the same thing in common--PICTURES. I have noticed even blogs from people with a seemingly dull life have awesome blogs because of the pictures on there. Which has led me to the conclusion that I probably have an extremely lame blog due to lack of pictures. I sure hope whoever decides to read my blog is more of a reader instead of a picture-person. But let's face it, people are picture people. Anyone who has me on Facebook knows I have tons of pictures to share...however, with this story--I have chosen to remain anonymous as much as possible. I do not share this blog with friends and family (not presently, anyway). People who read my blog are ones who stumble upon it by chance. One day, when I feel like it needs to be shared publicly, I'll be more open about pictures and sharing on social networks. For now, it is just between me and...well, technically everyone with internet. Lucky for me, I have a lame blog without pictures so there hasn't been too much attention to it.
Especially this blog posting...who is going to stumble upon this blog and actually read this long of a posting WITHOUT any pictures added?
Well, I was just being obedient and blogging about this--I'm not sure who it is for...or when it's for. For all I know it could be discovered in 10 years by someone right at the right moment. I didn't want to wait until morning.
I'll end this extremely long blog with a reminder to trust God, especially in the tough times. Forget doctors or what other people tell us. Don't think your life is over because things don't go your way. It's not up to us in how our life turns out. God's plans are much bigger than anything we could possibly dream of. So, keep the faith...trust God. It hurts now, but it'll be worth it in the end. :-)
xoxo
The song is called He is With Us by Love and the Outcome.
Forgive my quick copy-and-paste job, but here are the lyrics (taken from lyrics.com)
Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
We're not afraid
We can trust our God
Always, always
We can trust our God
Always, always
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
Our God is with us
***Now that you've read the lyrics... go YouTube the song. Better yet, buy it from ITUNES or wherever people get their music from these days. Seriously a very powerful song. Now, I don't cry like a normal person--I just get overcome with a great sadness that would be equivalent to how a person feels when they cry, or so I would think. Anyway... this song gets me every time. I feel like this song was written for me. Of course, I'm sure everyone has that one song they feel like that towards but seriously... this song has really spoke to me and made me keep the faith and remember that I need to quit questioning God's plan for me. I imagine wherever I end up, there's going to be a purpose for this entire situation.
Let's be honest, infertility really sucks. I truly hope someday my story will be used as an encouragement to others...if only one person. As much as I want God to use me as an example, I have to be selfish and hope that my story has a happy ending.
As a side note, I've noticed my favorite blogs I read all have the same thing in common--PICTURES. I have noticed even blogs from people with a seemingly dull life have awesome blogs because of the pictures on there. Which has led me to the conclusion that I probably have an extremely lame blog due to lack of pictures. I sure hope whoever decides to read my blog is more of a reader instead of a picture-person. But let's face it, people are picture people. Anyone who has me on Facebook knows I have tons of pictures to share...however, with this story--I have chosen to remain anonymous as much as possible. I do not share this blog with friends and family (not presently, anyway). People who read my blog are ones who stumble upon it by chance. One day, when I feel like it needs to be shared publicly, I'll be more open about pictures and sharing on social networks. For now, it is just between me and...well, technically everyone with internet. Lucky for me, I have a lame blog without pictures so there hasn't been too much attention to it.
Especially this blog posting...who is going to stumble upon this blog and actually read this long of a posting WITHOUT any pictures added?
Well, I was just being obedient and blogging about this--I'm not sure who it is for...or when it's for. For all I know it could be discovered in 10 years by someone right at the right moment. I didn't want to wait until morning.
I'll end this extremely long blog with a reminder to trust God, especially in the tough times. Forget doctors or what other people tell us. Don't think your life is over because things don't go your way. It's not up to us in how our life turns out. God's plans are much bigger than anything we could possibly dream of. So, keep the faith...trust God. It hurts now, but it'll be worth it in the end. :-)
xoxo
Friday, October 25, 2013
Beta Results
Sorry I've been a little MIA on here. I kept telling myself to update the blog, but I've been lacking the motivation to do so. Unfortunately this is not a happy blog post. And as if it's not bad enough typing up a sad blog, my stupid computer deleted the entire blog after I wrote it out...so here goes take two:
My beta was negative. I woke up bright and early to take my blood test and after the dreaded wait, I finally called my clinic for results. The hospital didn't send them over so they tracked them down. My IVF nurse called me back and said unfortunately, the results were negative. She reminded me of the spare embryo we had and said I could schedule an appointment with my doctor if I chose to do so. I plan to make an appointment to see him to figure out what went wrong. I don't want to go threw this again if it's not going to work. My sweet sisters said they'd carry the baby if there is something more wrong with my body. So, I still have options. Not that it makes the loss any easier...
So, obviously this has been really upsetting for me and "R" but I haven't really broke down yet. I really don't cry often but I imagine I'll break a nail or something and just break down completely. I've been avoiding talking about it...I haven't really talked about it at all. I told my sisters and they passed the word around for me.... they keep wanting to talk about it but I don't think they get the hint when I change the subject....I know they're just trying to help though, it's sweet.
As if getting the negative test results wasn't bad enough, I've got the AF from he** to remind me that this didn't work. What I didn't know before starting this is the cycle after a failed IVF is WAY worse. I learned that since the medications make the lining so thick, you have so much extra to shed...I'm going to spare the gory details but, for those of you who may possibly experience a failed IVF (and I hope none of you do...), it's bad...and you're not dying....you just feel like you are.
I haven't taken any time off from work to recover physically/emotionally/mentally...but I didn't really need to. We're really slow and I've been training for something new so I'm really not doing anything anyway.
As a psychology major, I've always self-diagnosed myself and psycho-analyzed everything I do. I've decided I'm still in the denial stage of grief...I haven't fully accepted or allowed myself to really think about it, I've just been numb to the whole thing, avoiding the topic. I'm sure eventually I'll become angry and then can work threw it all but I think for now, I'll just take the numbness and prepare for a breakdown when I least expect it. :-P
So, that's the update for now. It may be a while before I update again...possibly after I see my doctor and talk about the IVF cycle we just did.... so, although this wasn't successful...we're not giving up. Keepin' on Keepin' the faith. It'll happen someday.
My beta was negative. I woke up bright and early to take my blood test and after the dreaded wait, I finally called my clinic for results. The hospital didn't send them over so they tracked them down. My IVF nurse called me back and said unfortunately, the results were negative. She reminded me of the spare embryo we had and said I could schedule an appointment with my doctor if I chose to do so. I plan to make an appointment to see him to figure out what went wrong. I don't want to go threw this again if it's not going to work. My sweet sisters said they'd carry the baby if there is something more wrong with my body. So, I still have options. Not that it makes the loss any easier...
So, obviously this has been really upsetting for me and "R" but I haven't really broke down yet. I really don't cry often but I imagine I'll break a nail or something and just break down completely. I've been avoiding talking about it...I haven't really talked about it at all. I told my sisters and they passed the word around for me.... they keep wanting to talk about it but I don't think they get the hint when I change the subject....I know they're just trying to help though, it's sweet.
As if getting the negative test results wasn't bad enough, I've got the AF from he** to remind me that this didn't work. What I didn't know before starting this is the cycle after a failed IVF is WAY worse. I learned that since the medications make the lining so thick, you have so much extra to shed...I'm going to spare the gory details but, for those of you who may possibly experience a failed IVF (and I hope none of you do...), it's bad...and you're not dying....you just feel like you are.
I haven't taken any time off from work to recover physically/emotionally/mentally...but I didn't really need to. We're really slow and I've been training for something new so I'm really not doing anything anyway.
As a psychology major, I've always self-diagnosed myself and psycho-analyzed everything I do. I've decided I'm still in the denial stage of grief...I haven't fully accepted or allowed myself to really think about it, I've just been numb to the whole thing, avoiding the topic. I'm sure eventually I'll become angry and then can work threw it all but I think for now, I'll just take the numbness and prepare for a breakdown when I least expect it. :-P
So, that's the update for now. It may be a while before I update again...possibly after I see my doctor and talk about the IVF cycle we just did.... so, although this wasn't successful...we're not giving up. Keepin' on Keepin' the faith. It'll happen someday.
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