Beta Results

Sorry I've been a little MIA on here. I kept telling myself to update the blog, but I've been lacking the motivation to do so. Unfortunately this is not a happy blog post. And as if it's not bad enough typing up a sad blog, my stupid computer deleted the entire blog after I wrote it out...so here goes take two:

My beta was negative. I woke up bright and early to take my blood test and after the dreaded wait, I finally called my clinic for results. The hospital didn't send them over so they tracked them down. My IVF nurse called me back and said unfortunately, the results were negative. She reminded me of the spare embryo we had and said I could schedule an appointment with my doctor if I chose to do so. I plan to make an appointment to see him to figure out what went wrong. I don't want to go threw this again if it's not going to work. My sweet sisters said they'd carry the baby if there is something more wrong with my body. So, I still have options. Not that it makes the loss any easier...

So, obviously this has been really upsetting for me and "R" but I haven't really broke down yet. I really don't cry often but I imagine I'll break a nail or something and just break down completely. I've been avoiding talking about it...I haven't really talked about it at all. I told my sisters and they passed the word around for me.... they keep wanting to talk about it but I don't think they get the hint when I change the subject....I know they're just trying to help though, it's sweet.

As if getting the negative test results wasn't bad enough, I've got the AF from he** to remind me that this didn't work. What I didn't know before starting this is the cycle after a failed IVF is WAY worse. I learned that since the medications make the lining so thick, you have so much extra to shed...I'm going to spare the gory details but, for those of you who may possibly experience a failed IVF (and I hope none of you do...), it's bad...and you're not dying....you just feel like you are.

I haven't taken any time off from work to recover physically/emotionally/mentally...but I didn't really need to. We're really slow and I've been training for something new so I'm really not doing anything anyway.

As a psychology major, I've always self-diagnosed myself and psycho-analyzed everything I do. I've decided I'm still in the denial stage of grief...I haven't fully accepted or allowed myself to really think about it, I've just been numb to the whole thing, avoiding the topic. I'm sure eventually I'll become angry and then can work threw it all but I think for now, I'll just take the numbness and prepare for a breakdown when I least expect it. :-P

So, that's the update for now. It may be a while before I update again...possibly after I see my doctor and talk about the IVF cycle we just did.... so, although this wasn't successful...we're not giving up. Keepin' on Keepin' the faith. It'll happen someday.